The Diary

24 September 2005: Charlton Althetic - 'scoring', then 'Boring, boring', I wonder?

On a weekend where it looks as though the US are going to have yet another ?close encounter of the unpleasant kind? with yet another full-on hurricane (want to deny global warming exists now, Georgie-boy?), in our own small way, we too could be in for a bit of a battering ? and not the sort you?d find at your local chippie, either.

Charlton have been a bit of a thorn in our side at The Hawthorns for quite a few years, now. Their ?signature dish? is to nick a goal early on, then hang on like grim death for the remainder of the bloody game. Captivating watching it ain?t, but in our case, it?s proven an entirely effective tactic for them to employ. The first season we came up, we played them at their place, chucked everything bar the kitchen sink at ?em, should have got a penalty ? and still lost, thanks to a goal so early, a significant number of Baggies arriving late completely missed it. And, if my memory serves me correctly, the home fixture was equally frustrating to watch. Mind you, we did rectify the balance a little last season, when we hammered them 4-1. Sod?s Law we weren?t there to revel in such unaccustomed Valley glory, mind, but that?s the football supporting business for you.

The season we first won promotion, 2001-02, we played them in the League Cup ? and, yep, they did exactly the same thing to us then. Admittedly, we?d ended up playing no less than three games that week, our last some forty-eight hours before the Addicks caper ? gee, thanks, TV people, for that little gem! ? but even so, to lose out to a side so boring, haemorrhoid surgery performed in the centre-circle, or wallpaper-hanging in the East Stand, even, would have been a welcome diversion, is a tad annoying.

Alan Curbishley, their current gaffer, is no mug, that?s for sure. Whenever a plum managerial job falls vacant, his name?s always rumoured to be in the frame, so I guess his methods speak for themselves. Certainly, thus far this campaign, he?s managed to clock up no less than three away wins, one of which was against our Bluenose chums. Two-nil, was it? Any road up, tomorrow?s game won?t be an easy option, by any means ? because of their stormin? League form, both at home and on the road, they?re currently second. According to the blurb I?ve seen, they?ll have Alexei Smertin back after he missed their recent Chelsea encounter under the terms of his loan deal. Talal El Karkouri and Gonzalo Sorondo are both pressing for places, but Darren Ambrose (groin) is still out. Sadly for us, their current ?top gun?, Darren Bent, most certainly isn?t, if you get my drift.

Our jolly bunch? Chris Kirkland will reclaim what he now considers rightfully his, no doubt, and, as I?d suspected when he was subbed on Tuesday night, Kamara will be sitting out tomorrow?s excuse-me quickstep. It?s his dodgy ankle giving him gyp, by all accounts, twisted, but not too badly. Albrechtsen is out for one game after that daft sending-off of his, also on Tuesday evening: Will ?Winker? Watson deputise for Our Albie, while he?s ?in durance vile?? The good bit, though, is we?ll have at our disposal once more the dual services of Curtis Davies and The Mighty Zoltan. More about the latter, and the various medical problems he?s had recently, below.

Will Robbo go with The Duke and Earnie this time round, I wonder? That would certainly give us some speed up there, but if he does go down that route, our pint-sized Welshman will have to shift onto stray stuff in the box like he?s been electrocuted ? how many times recently has he latched onto a promising through-ball, only to waste the bugger completely? I?d assume that both players scoring on Tuesday night will help in the old confidence stakes somewhat, and they certainly appear enthused (not to mention fast!) enough to give the pairing another try.

As for our ?ball-taming? hero of Tuesday night, Kanu, both he (and The Horse) are rated 50-50. Robbo will decide tomorrow who?s OK and who isn?t, of course. Will he retain sufficient nerve to put out the same individuals tomorrow, I wonder? I?d love to see Kanu repeat that amazingly skilful (not to mention totally enthralling) ?supply-line? service he provided for both The Duke and Earnie after he came on. The trouble is, though, with no disrespect whatsoever intended towards The Bantams, what happened in midweek was a totally different kettle of fish to the weekly hurly-burly of The Premiership. Oh ? and just to make things really interesting, there?s yet another ?kids for a fiver? offer going in the Halfords lane Stand tomorrow. Now what was it the late W.C. Fields said about how he liked kids ? ?fried or boiled?? Quite.

There also remains some more unfinished business tomorrow ? our opponents in the next round of the League Cup. I suspect the draw will be on Sky, so we might just see it live in the Throstle Club before the game. In fact, my other half has just told me it?s on at 12.10, so there! My preferences? Please, pretty please, can we have a home draw again? Or, if we do have to travel, somewhere that?s easily reachable in midweek?

Just what the hell is going on with Zoltan Gera and the Hungarian national side, anyway? Not so much ?The War Of Jenkins Ear?, right now, as the ?War Of Zoltan?s Hand?. First of all we hear he came back from international duty ?dehydrated?, so he missed an Albion game in order to get him ?rehydrated? again. And, as if that wasn?t enough, there?s now the vexing problem of a troublesome hand bone infection, one that?s been there for quite some time, ever since he bust it on the last day of last season, if his national side are to be believed.

If that is indeed the case, and our club haven?t treated it properly (something I find very hard to believe, quite frankly) then I?m not surprised it?s now giving problems. Because there are relatively few blood vessels serving bone tissue, it?s bloody difficult to treat infections once established there. The only way to sort out such problems is to blast the affected area with ultra-strong antibiotics (the only drugs capable of reaching the afflicted area, on a similar principle to the ?bunker-busters? the Yanks used during the recent Gulf War).

As far as I can see, that should have been done a mighty long time ago, when the problem was first established, not months and months further down the line. To my mind, someone?s quite clearly telling porkies, or at the very least, not telling the whole story -but who? I know whom my money?s on. Something tells me someone Magyar and senior needs a large-size flea plonked in their ear quite quickly. It?s all very well Zoltan turning out for his country on a regular basis (apparently, their national side?s built entirely around the lad, hence his current indispensability) but when those international appearances end up depriving us of his services completely, and right at a time when we need all the help we can get out there, there eventually comes a point when someone?s got to say: ?Hold on a minute ? who?s getting more benefit out of this situation, us or them??

And finally?.. One. So you thought we were in for yet another fraught season of relegation dogfights, then? Well, while you?re all waiting for the shadow of The Grim Reaper to appear in the vicinity of our favourite football club?s Hawthorns home, spare a thought or three for poor old Pluto. The far-distant planet, that is, not Goofy?s dog. Well, any orbiting astronomical body that has ?years? measuring over a hundred of ours long deserves some sympathy. How come? It, and its tiny moon Charon, are now in serious danger of being relegated to what amounts to Conference status by order of astronomy?s equivalent of the Football League, The International Astronomical Union.

Discovered around 1930 by a chap called Clyde Tombaugh - and if you think ground-hoppers and programme-collectors are pretty geekish types, you really should hear the full tale of how the planet was discovered in the first place - Pluto is a bit of a puzzle, and that?s what?s behind the current debate. Like a Dingle somehow managing to get to university, it simply shouldn?t be there. Despite being found more or less where it was predicted to be, eventually, it?s nowhere near the size expected, its moon a complete and utter surprise, and on occasions, its orbit actually brings it closer to the sun that its neighbour Neptune.

In short, it no longer qualifies for astronomy?s equivalent of a satisfactory minimum ground capacity to ensure continuing Football League status, the prime reason being the emergence in recent years of some much better-qualified planetary bodies, all doing their thing at an even greater distance from the Sun than poor ole Plute. A bit like when Barnet got theirs, but were eventually restored to grace once they?d done their place up a little and won their league. Think ?Chester?, ?Exeter? and, say, ?Hereford?, and the IAU will happily supply you with their potential planetary analogues.

Having almost exhausted the Roman and Greek planetary pantheon by now, one of these, Sedna (around the same size as Pluto, it may have a moon also) was named after an Inuit (Eskimo) sea-god, but, reassuringly, another of the ?promotion hopefuls? later reverted to type by being given the bog-standard monicker Chiron. The rest, alas, are but numbers, still. But, whatever their future name, the problem still remains that most of these look much better qualified for full planetary status, and because of that, the relegation axe now looms large for what was long considered Planet Number Nine!

Two?. A little tale from my family, nothing to do with football, but so funny, I had to include it. Apparently, when in Walsall recently, my sister bought her five year-old grandson, Ethan, one of those ?cop kits?, the sort where you get a belt with all the (pretend) accoutrements any aspiring young rozzer would want at his/her disposal. Naturally, this included, among many other things, a realistic-looking pair of handcuffs, so my niece was really happy when my sis handed her little pressie over to the little shaver; within a matter of seconds, he was releasing everything from the wrapping, and making like The Bill.

But that wasn?t all. Yesterday, for reasons only known best to herself, my niece, watching her son and heir playing cops and robbers, allowed herself to be ?arrested?, and being the conscientious ?plod? little Ethan was, he duly applied the bracelets, cuffing her hands firmly behind her back. I guess you all know what?s coming by now ? and yep, it happened. Try as he might, once they were on, the little lad couldn?t unlock them again. Certainly, Michelle couldn?t, as both cuffs allowed very little ?leeway? to either hands or wrists. Result? One very ?tied-up? mum, and a small lad who couldn?t for the life of him ?untie? her again. And what made it worse was the fact hubbie had not long gone to work, so no help there either.

How did she resolve the problem? By reversing onto the back door, carefully levering down the handle with both hands ? not easy with both effectively tied together; luckily, the door was already unlocked ? then nipping over her next-door neighbours, who were in, fortunately, then pleading with them for swift release! Then, no doubt, offering to wash and dry their by-now wee-wee saturated underwear, followed swiftly by the application of a great big dollop of powder to her by-now cherry-red face! Genius, sheer genius ? now, whatever you do, Michelle, for chrissakes, DON?T go out and buy the lad a chemistry set. The sight of a giant mushroom cloud forming right above the wreckage of your house would really give the council something to moan about!

 - Glynis Wright

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