The Diary

01 March 2004: Crystal Balls And Games Of Yore

It?s now 24 hours (and counting) since our Rotherham defeat, and as I sit here tonight contemplating both my navel (fluff-ridden) and my PC (most certainly not!), I?m beginning to have grim forebodings concerning what manner of horrors the next seven days is likely to bring us. It didn?t help either when, earlier this evening, I had a phone call from Ironwork Gazette?s (it?s a West Ham publication) Tony Fowles concerning our away-end accommodation on Tuesday night. When West Ham went to Carrow Road about 2 weeks ago, their spanking-new away stand had only just been opened for business, and the entire place resembled a building site, apparently. Because the side-panels hadn?t been glassed-in as yet, there was an almighty gale blowing through the place for the entire match, which doesn?t bode at all well for us considering the weather forecasters say temperatures aren?t going to rise until after Tuesday night, which will be a tad late for us, of course. Let?s hope they?ve sorted the windbreak by the time we venture there! The moral of the story? Dig out your thickest winter woollies if you?re travelling, because you?re going to need ?em, big-time.

Returning to yesterday, once more ? wasn?t that a Carpenters? hit, once, by the way? - the main worries still churning around in my head since that fiasco are these:

a)Why it was felt necessary to swap Clem and JK around, and play them in positions for which they?re manifestly unsuitable? Has this ever been tried before? If it has, I certainly don?t recall it.

b)Also ? and perhaps only those taking part at that time can answer this one to anyone?s satisfaction ? why did we feel constrained to take our foot off the gas pedal after around 20 minutes into the first half? Was that decision made from the touchline/dug-out? Or did our players suddenly take it into their heads that as they?d tried barnstorming The Millers? goal to little avail for that opening 20, yet another tactical ploy was called for?

c)What about those second-half substitutions? Perhaps it?s me being so familiar with what Lloyd Dyer used to do for the reserves, but around the time those changes were made, I honestly thought that if ever there was a time the game screamed for the introduction of our young wing-back to the fray, that was it. Had we brought the lad on then, perhaps the whole outcome might have been somewhat different? Certainly, during that first half spell when Rotherham appeared to be sagging at the edges something rotten, I seem to recall a good deal of the damage being perpetrated via the flanks. Lloyd, being a relatively unknown quantity to the Millers, might have skinned ?em alive. Still, what do I know about football? I?m only a supporter.

Since our game yesterday, we?ve both been pondering long and hard on the thorny subject of games we should have theoretically won, lost, and vice-versa, and we?re beginning to wonder as to whether our favourite football team are suddenly ?reverting to type?. By that, I mean conquering sides we?ve always had a good track-record against, the same principle applying to sides where we invariably have a ?mare? when trying to dig anything at all out of the game. Consider the evidence for the prosecution. Last week, we journeyed to Sheffield United, Colin W. and all, and we won, much to the aforementioned Onanist?s disgust. A success very much in keeping with recent trend: one regrettable six-goal splattering apart, we have an excellent record versus The Blades at their sharpening-shop. Add to that the fact we recently conquered both The Saddlers and Watford at home ? again, historically, those are fixtures we generally win ? and you begin to see where I?m coming from. On the debit side, there?s yesterday, of course ? Rotherham have generally been something of a thorn in our flesh, and the ?goal that wasn?t? incident two seasons ago just about summed it up ? and you?ll all remember those unfortunate events at Preston (when was the last time we triumphed there? 1959?) recently.

Earlier in the season, though, we were taking great delight in sorting out for once and for all sides that had previously been Albion?s equivalent of a bad boil on the buttock. Examples? Derby, Stoke and Ipswich will do for starters, but now, it seems very much as though whatever malevolent influence some sides habitually exert on our fortunes could well reassert itself as the current campaign winds up to its climax. Looking at our remaining fixtures, and bearing what you might call this ?embuggeration factor? in mind, forecasting each probable outcome produces some quite interesting results.

First off, of course, we play Norwich. As per the forthcoming Eurovision Song Contest, ?nul points?, which was the outcome on our last visit two seasons ago (bloody Iwan Roberts!), and many times previous to that. Then there?s Coventry. History records they don?t generally have a nice time of it at The Shrine, so I?m going for the nap hand there. We then choo-choo to Crewe, and it?s on the telly, as well. Overall, I reckon we?ll get something there; my other half thinks we?ll win, but I?ve a sneaky feeling we?ll have to settle for the point. Wigan? At our place? Ooer. Historically, we?ve not had much to do with them, but if our leader has a fit of the vapours similar to the one he had at their place, and we put out a defensively-minded side again, I reckon we?ll (Jason Roberts! AARGH!) dip. Stoke? At their place? Our track-record there ain?t good. Remember, we?re talking resurrecting old nightmares here. Forget it. Palace? This is one we should win as history shows our bogey boot is very much on their foot.

It?s April, so we now travel to Ipswich, at their place. The last time we won there was way back in the early eighties, and we won?t do it this time, either. Sackcloth and ashes time for us. Sorry. Gillingham? They weren?t at the races when we played them at their place, and we do have previous form at ours. Three points in the bag, my good man. On the 12th, a journey to East London?s New Den beckons, and just three days after my birthday, as well. Past form suggests I won?t exactly be whooping it up there. Following that one, it?s to the frozen North East we go, where a spring rendezvous with The Mackems beckons. Our recent trips there have proved quite successful, so if form?s any guide, we?ll pot the points. Bradford at The Shrine? Could well be they?re dead and buried by that time, and they?ve generally curled up and died at our place in the past. Should oblige us with a nice little three.

Hooray, hooray, the First Of May/Outdoor sex begins today! And once we?ve all finished bonking frantically, there?s the small matter of a visit to the Madjeski to sort out. I beg to register a difference of opinion with my other half on this one; he thinks we?ll succeed, I don?t. We then wrap up 03-04 with a visit from those nice people from Nottingham, although, if they?re not careful, it might prove to be something of a wake. Again, past form suggests they won?t give us many problems should we need the three points, but it might well turn out to be a wake for us as well.

Unfortunately, when I come to do my sums, they don?t add up to a figure you?ll like. Should the sequence of events listed above come to pass, then we?ll finish with 79 points to our name, which won?t be enough. ?Im Indoors, applying the same criteria to every remaining game, thinks we?ll finish on around 84, which may or may not be sufficient to do the trick. As ever, it all depends on what everyone else is doing - or not, as the case may be. As I said yesterday, we?re now entering a Cuban Missile Crisis-type period; who?ll be the ones to blink first?

And getting out the old crystal ball wasn?t the only thing I did today. This lunchtime, we took our carcases to ?The Out-Laws? and while we were there, purely by chance, we happened to stumble across a fanzine editor?s dream! What happened was, Norm, the ?other half?, finally got around to replacing an internal door he?d been threatening to sort out for yonks. When he finally did the dirty deed, though, he had the shock of his life, for buried deep inside the thing were enough newspapers to keep both Chris Lepkowski and The Evening Mail in newsprint for aeons to come. Where were they? Believe it or not, although it looked solid enough, that door was really made of glass, with a wooden covering over it, for whatever reason, and ?twixt both glass and wood (as a cushion for the glass?) were all the sodding papers I mentioned, and all arrayed in neat layers. It so happened that as we approached their back door on our way in, we saw one of them lying on the grass outside ? Si?s mum had burned half of them already ? but it was the date that really caught our eye. 1968!

Wondering what the bloody hell a paper that old was doing in their garden in the first place, we asked, and that?s when all was revealed about their origin. Lots of old newspapers, eh? Were there any more where that lot came from? Indeed there were, and without further ado, around twenty more of the things were dropped into our hot little hands. Suffice to say that when I examined them more closely ? especially the sports pages! ? I nearly had an Albion-induced orgasm on the spot. All from around the 1968-1969 period, all well-known titles, both local and national, and most of ?em containing untold riches in the form of Albion-related stories, post-match write-ups, narratives of some of our epic Cup games around that time, that sort of thing. And, for us Baggie-lovin? people, a happy bonus. Pictures of The King, Ossie, Bomber Brown, Chippy Clark And Co. I?d never, ever clapped eyes on before. And all those copies containing one important ingredient even El Tel?s comprehensive scrapbook stuff lacks; news items about important issues of the day, adverts (pre-decimal prices), topical cartoons, job ads galore (pre-Sex Discrimination Act, doncher know!), that sort of thing. It?s the sort of stuff that helps put an account of an old game in true context, brings it roaring back to life, if you like. And to think that had we not intervened when we did, the in-laws were going to burn the entire lot. Sacrilege!

And finally?.. I?ve had disturbing reports over the last day or so that the Brummie Road caterers have a cuckoo in their nest. She?s a most unpleasant individual with a penchant for short-changing people by the sum of a fiver, apparently. One of the ?victims? was a young lad of eleven, who isn?t really going to argue the toss, when you think about it, so if you have a season-ticket there, and like some pre-match or half-time nosh, don?t forget to examine your change very carefully indeed once you?ve indulged. That is the end of this public service announcement!

Back tomorrow night with my usual preview of all things Norwich; if you?re going for the day as we are, it might come in useful. If not, let?s hope you find it as giggle-making as I did when putting it together.

 - Glynis Wright

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