The Diary

28 February 2004: Cold? I've Got My Club To Keep Me Warm!

What an unusual sound greeted me as I rose from my pit today; the melodious din of umpteen brass monkeys crashing to the ground throughout our well-frozen borough, and despite popular belief, not a bloke?s gonad (or a simian?s, for that matter!) in sight. A pawnbroker?s? Forget it: the origins of that saying have nothing whatsoever to do with all the aforementioned categories, but plenty to do with the days of fighting sail. In those days, cannon-balls were stored in pyramids on brass rings known as ?monkeys?. During wintry weather, the ring contracted (remember school physics lessons?), which made all the cannon balls fall off and roll around the deck, hence the saying?. Aw, you know the rest!

That little lesson in naval history aside, should any more of the white stuff come down overnight and freeze, it might cause problems for our game. Not because of the pitch; that?s snug in the fastness of its heated interior tonight, but the roads and pavements outside might prove to be the sticking (slipping?) point. It all depends upon whether or not anyone?s had the foresight to get the area surrounding the ground well-gritted. If this hasn?t been done, then there might be problems; certainly, during our last freeze-up a few weeks back, Middlesbrough had their game postponed for precisely that reason.

Normally, I would have gone to my stepmother?s place tonight, but other considerations intervened, namely those of my other half?s second love, Hereford United, who were playing at Dagenham and Redbridge?s place tonight, and the whole thing live on Sky. In days of yore, ?Im Indoors would most certainly have made the effort to get to the game himself, but being older (and wiser?), he chose to forego that pleasure by watching proceedings in the comfort and warmth of our own gaff instead. At first, the game gave no hint at all of what was to transpire later on; if anything, Dagenham had most of the play, and were unlucky not to score the opener early-doors.

Then came the moment they committed football?s answer to those gruesome Japanese hari-kiri rituals. No blood, no gore, but Daggers might as well have wielded the ceremonial sword to deadly effect across their ample midriffs, the net effect was similar; midway through the first half, one of theirs committed an absolutely textbook foul on a United attacker in the Daggers? own box. The ref had no alternative but to both point to the spot and dismiss the offender, who was truly bang to rights, the last man. United duly potted that, and from then on, it was one-way traffic, just about. Three up by the interval, they then spent the second half not sitting on their gains, as we might well have done in that position, but by well and truly twisting the blade in the soft underbelly of their opponents. The final score? An incredible NINE-NIL, something I?ve never, ever witnessed at that level before. The nearest I?ve ever been to that was an eight-one way back in November1967, versus Burnley, plus the 7-1 versus Barnsley about 14 years ago (and I believe The Fart?s seen our lot score nine in the League during the 50?s, as well), but never without reply. There was an Albion connection, by the way; Tam Mkandawire was on for The Bulls, and acquitted himself well despite getting booked, and earning himself a suspension for making it five.

Hold on to your hats and hollyhocks, folks, because we?re shortly going to be in for a pretty bumpy ride, and don?t come running to me for any sick-bags either, because I haven?t got ?em. No, our club haven?t booked us all en-masse on a fleet of 747?s bound for the West Indies or something (?If only!? said she, looking somewhat wistfully at the old thermometer, which is currently reading around ?2C), it?s just that come this weekend, we embark on what will probably turn out to be a pretty crucial set of fixtures. Tomorrow, we play Rotherham, of course, while the current leaders, Norwich, go to Sunderland. Sure, the Mackems will have delusions of Cup grandeur aplenty right now after whopping Blues at their place the other night (jolly well done, chaps, and more comment below), but they?ll also want to keep their play-off ambitions very much alive as a back-up, so The Canaries may well find the task of collaring those uppity Black Cats a bit of a featherful.

Come Tuesday, they entertain (if that?s the correct phrase!) us, and it?s one we really have to get something from if we are to make any inroads on their current pole position. Our task may be facilitated somewhat by what happens on Wearside over the weekend, and similarly by whether or not we get a result versus Ronnie Moore?s lot, but Tuesday?s the optimum time to fully cash in on any spadework done previously. The Saturday after that, we then play host to Coventry, while those pesky Canaries have to go to their own local rivals for a smidgen of fun and frivolity, East Anglia style. Turnips and mangel-wurzels at ten paces, anyone? Best-case scenario might see us sitting on the summit looking down, and having the whole shooting-match pretty-much sewn up by the middle of the month; if we totally blow it, however, things might then start to get mighty uncomfortable for us in that runners-up perch of ours.

Last Sunday and Monday night, it was absolute bedlam at GD Towers. The reason? We were both fully engrossed in the task of putting together a completely new Dick, and all within a turnaround time of about 14 days from the last one hitting the streets. Fraught? I?ll say, and the language emanating from our little office would have made even a navvy blush (our four cats, sensible creatures that they are, fled to the hills as soon as they realised what we were up to), but turn it around we did, everything bar tomorrow?s match report has now gone to the printers? (I know, because on Wednesday lunchtime, I painfully stood in a South African election-style queue at the post office to get the blasted thing sent special delivery!) and it now only remains for our mad Welsh printer to bring the goods to us later next week. At least normal marital harmony has now been fully restored to the Wright household. What didn?t help also was the fact that on Monday, I received a reply from the plods about my written complaint regarding post-match traffic policing around The Hawthorns ? and I most definitely was not amused by what they said. Because of that, I?ve now sent the bloke in charge yet another lengthy letter which, in effect, is another letter taking issue about the tone of the letter they sent to me in response to my original letter! Confused? You will be!

On Wednesday night, our good mates Sunderland whopped Blues by two humungous goals, which means they?re now through to the 6th round, praise Allah, or whatever. It?s quite possible this will mean our Wearside chums will be a tad distracted from the general cut and thrust of the climb up the greasy Nationwide pole, as the draw guarantees one club from the lower reaches in the semis. Could also do us a bit of good elsewhere, because Sheff United, who they play in the next round, still harbour delusions of grandeur ? or, to be more precise, Colin does, on those unfortunate days when he fails to take his medication properly, that is!

Last night, it was ?full speed ahead? in the Dickmobile for Sutton Branch, where our genial secretary, Dr. John Evans, was due to hold forth in the company of many enthusiastic Albion aficionados there. Having listened to John many times in the past, and interviewed him for the fanzine as well, we knew that their membership wouldn?t go away disappointed, and so it proved to be. The conversation ranged around a wide variety of topics to do with our favourite football club; Premiership referees was one, as were whistlers in general. Most interesting, also, were John?s observations about the recent Burnley away game ? that was the first game in Division One that match official had ever reffed - and classical refereeing ?whoopsies? of days long since gone. Some very pertinent comments also about the so-called ?Battle Of Bramall Lane? two seasons ago, and the inevitable backwash in the wake of that farcical situation. The Woodman Corner will eventually be no more. The pub will be demolished, and replaced with the sort of place where, as Dr, John said, ?You?d be happy to take your other half?.

There were also pertinent words about the prolonged DD transfer, plus observations about how much easier a club secretary?s life was in the Premier league. One thing he has leaned, however, is to check and re-check everything on the playing side meticulously. Apparently, our hero?s perennial nightmare is fielding an unregistered player in some game or another; the sanctions for doing so can be quite stiff. There was also a mention of our directors; with just one exception, all of them are Albion supporters born and bred; their collective faces, post-Preston were an absolute picture! They, too, are like us; they look ahead to forthcoming fixtures and try to figure out which games are likely to yield a reward in the form of three points ? or not, as the case might be. It?s not just ?P? we?re going for, according to our genial secretary, it?s the title itself, and this month coming could settle the whole thing pretty conclusively, should certain results drop kindly, or otherwise, for us.

There will be improvements to the Ticket Office in the summer, in the form of a technology upgrade, which should put an end to such daftness as having to pay more than once via credit card for several different ticket purchases all made in one go. It?s also hoped that these improvements will mean there?s less need for stewards being in attendance outside turnstiles on matchdays, their main purpose, of course being to assist supporters having difficulties with the ?stile-card? method of entry. There was also mention of the recent Cardiff game; contrary to belief, their supporters were only given the normal allocation (around 2,000), which came as a surprise to me, as I could have sworn there were more bodies in that Smethwick End than there were seats for! On a similar note, there is a plan afoot to reduce the number of seats required to form a sterile area in the Smethwick, which should mean more seats available for customers. If that?s the case, let?s just hope we don?t see the likes of Cardiff in there for a very long time!

Unlike previous meetings, I haven?t gone into so much detail on this one, nor did I write it up on the night, and this was purely down to me. Until ?Im Indoors reminded me, literally hours before the event, I?d completely forgotten we were due to attend. By the time we got back, because I hadn?t done the necessary preparatory work to the column, this would have meant a ridiculously-late finish-time for me, and being totally knackered anyway, I decided to give shoving it into cyberspace a miss this time. Sorry.

There was also news yesterday that Danny Dichio had finally made that loan move to Millwall permanent, which, after his successful loan period with them, didn?t really come as a surprise. According to the blurb I?ve seen this far, he?s gone for a fee of ?205K on the nail, then a possible ?300K on top, depending on appearances. Should The Lions roar into the top six come the end of term, then go on to savage the play-off opposition and reach The Holy Of Holies, then that pay-back will earn us a rather nice ?175K as well.

Apparently, the whole thing could have been sorted a lot sooner, but for a last-minute contractual glitch of some sort between the two parties. I know DD had more than his fair share of detractors while he was with us, but he did score for us 18 times in 76 appearances, which makes for a strike-rate of just over one in four. There was also much about his game that was only apparent whenever one took the trouble to watch his performances more closely than usual; not only did he notch up a creditable number of strikes, he was also quite capable of giving others the ammunition to enable them to hit the target as well. One could be cynical and say Danny only seemed to reserve his best efforts for those times he was being evaluated for some reason or another (his impressive form whilst on loan to us, and then during his temporary move to Derby, also that month at the Den just gone), bit it seems to me that this move might be just the tonic the bloke needed to get himself out of a bit of a career rut here.

Remember that Beatles hit, ?Hello, Goodbye?? Well, after this week, its perfectly permissible to sing it to Kevin Pressman, bless his adipose tissue, because he?s now gone a-hooting back to The Owls. Perhaps it?s for the best, really, as he hardly covered himself with glory the first minute of our reserve game versus Bolton the other night. In a straight race between him and the Notlob forward, he managed to claim the bladder as his own ? and then, for reasons I cannot fathom for the life of me, he let the blasted thing go once more, leaving their lad with an easy-peasy tap-in. Oh, whoops! But that?s not the real reason why I?m drawing this to your attention, folks. It now appears that the reason for our chubby chum?s return to The Steel City is the sudden return from The Land Of The Sick of Houlty. Strange, this: one minute Russell?s having an epidural for a very painful back condition, the next, he?s hale and hearty once more, and seemingly ready for the fray. Forgive me if I?m missing something fundamental here, but epidurals only relieve symptoms; they?re not a cure in themselves, and are usually only prescribed to relieve severe pain e.g. in childbirth, or intractable pain caused by cancer, say. However, that puzzling mode of treatment apart, I have had some light shed upon such conditions, as per my next paragraph.

John Branson (I am indebted to him for the clinical details) informs me via the mailing-list that when a back goes, there can be a number of reasons, one of which is that the vertebrae are a little out of position, which can cause them to rub together, which is rather painful. This is quite common in tall people whose vertebrae are further apart, so they?re more liable to misalign (it often used to be referred to as a slipped disc ). It can be treated by a injection which floats the vertebrae apart, and can work well if the misalignment is not too much. If this does not work, an operation is the only other option, which is why it could have meant up to 9 months out. In this case, it appears to have been successful, so there is no reason why he should not be OK fairly soon. John has known a few people who have had this happen, and are fine, however there is still a weakness there, which means the person concerned does have to be careful with it. If it reoccurs, the injection can only be done once, so an operation is the only answer. It just goes to show that being small does have some advantages! (Sez me, five foot two in height!)

What a difference 48 hours makes in football. Last Monday, Ronnie Wallwork was back at The Shrine, his Bradford loan period seemingly finished due to the Yorkshire club?s currently parlous financial position. At the time, I got the strong impression The Bantams really wanted to hang onto him, especially after he plonked one right into the back of the net versus Crewe last Saturday, but sadly, time, tide and the receivers wait for no man these days. Or so we thought. Come Thursday lunchtime, whilst doing my daily cyberspace perambulations of all the Albion-related stuff, what do I see? Yep, the lad?s had his loan extended, and for another couple of months this time, which must be quite a bit of good news for The Bantams, stuck as they are right in the smelly stuff. Why the swift turnaround in short-term futures for Wally? I can only assume that Albion did the decent thing and offered to meet part of the lad?s wages for the loan period. A quite sensible compromise, really, if that is what?s happened: Wally gets the chance to build upon a fresh start successfully made with a different outfit, and we still get our outgoings greatly reduced. Result? A ?win-win? for everyone.

And finally?.That autobiography Megson?s been threatening to write, of late. I can?t honestly see him completing the task on his tod, so when it does finally hit the bookshops, there?s got to be a ghost-writer lurking in the background, somewhere, hasn?t there? Question is, though, who will Meggo turn to in an effort to ensure sufficient literary justice is done to those all-important memoirs of his? Plenty of possible candidates have crossed my mischievous little mind over the last few days, although it?s probably for the best I don?t divulge my reasoning right now! Jeffrey Archer? Terry Pratchett? J. K. Rowling? William Shakespeare? (Now there?s a real ghostwriter!) Anyone out there who can come up with one better than that little lot? Don?t be shy; anything to the usual email address.

 - Glynis Wright

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