The Diary

14 February 2004: Superstitious? Not Me, Touch Wood!

Paraskevidekatriaphobia. Now there?s a word to wrestle with, or try to pronounce when you?re well-flown on huge quantities of Bonkses Bitter! Don?t ask me to pronounce it, because I haven?t got a clue either! What does it mean? Simple, fear of Friday The Thirteenth, which was today, of course. Not that much happened to me thus far, mind; all I?ve done today is pay a couple of bills, do a bit of fanzine work, and see my sisters, who live over the Charlemont Farm Estate. Not long got back from there, actually. Not much scope for divine intervention there, is there?

Incidentally, the niggling fear at the back of your mind concerning today?s date might not be all that daft. In 1993, the British Medical Journal actually published an article entitled "Is Friday the 13th Bad for Your Health?" With the aim of mapping "the relation between health, behaviour, and superstition surrounding Friday 13th in the United Kingdom," its authors compared the ratio of traffic volume to car accidents on two different days, Friday the 6th and Friday the 13th, over a period of years.

Incredibly, they found that in the region sampled, while consistently fewer people chose to drive on Friday the 13th, the number of hospital admissions due to accidents was significantly higher than on "normal" Fridays! There you go: science has spoken, so keep wrapping yourselves up in cotton-wool and/or ?throwing a sickie? when the ?dreaded day? next comes around, folkies. I?ll understand, even if your nearest and dearest do think you?ve finally lost your marbles. Mind you, our antipathy to doing things on that day goes back a helluva long way, and it?s a superstition pretty much embraced by all religions, surprisingly enough. The Turks, for example, so disliked the number 13 that it was practically expunged from their vocabulary. The Bible tells us there were exactly 13 present at the Last Supper. One of the dinner guests ? er, sorry, ?disciples? ? betrayed Jesus Christ, thereby setting the stage for the Crucifixion, so that?s where we got it from.

Even Norse mythology had its hang-ups about ?that number?. According to legend, twelve gods were invited to a banquet at Valhalla (the pagan equivalent of Heaven, but a lot more fun, by all accounts). Loki, The Evil One, god of mischief, was excluded from the guest list, but gate crashed anyway, bringing the total number to 13. True to character, Loki raised hell by inciting Hod, the blind god of winter, to attack Balder the Good, who was a favourite of the gods. (No, I?m not making this up, it?s all pukka gen!) A very irate Hod then took a spear of mistletoe offered by Loki and hurled it at Balder, killing him instantly. All Valhalla grieved, and the West Midlands Constabulary must have had a sod of a job taking all the witness statements afterwards. I?d have loved to be in on the trial, though; explaining all that lot to a jury must have been quite unique in the annals of legal history. The moral of the story? Beware of uninvited guests bearing mistletoe, of course!

And there?s more. Many buildings don't have a 13th floor, and there are (or were) of course, 13 witches in a coven. While we?re on that subject, we don?t have a Number 13 in our squad either. Not that I?m intimating our finest are in the slightest bit ?witchy? of course! So the superstition goes, if you have 13 letters in your name, you get the devil's luck in heaps. Jack the Ripper, Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer, Theodore Bundy and Albert De Salvo all have 13 letters in their names. An ?exercise for the reader?: try that one out on all the players on The Dingles? books, and if you strike oil, let me know. No, I?ve no idea whether any of theirs do either, but it?s a nice thought. While we were batting the breeze at my stepmother?s house this evening, my big sister told me The Fart had earlier been holding forth on Radio WM, as is his wont of late. I?ll tell you what, for a gentleman of such ancient vintage, he doesn?t half get about these days, what with that guest appearance of his in the WM studios the other week, and now being more or less a permanent fixture on their phone-ins. Capital?s loss is most certainly WM?s gain, and more power to his venerable elbow, I say.

Incidentally, when we went to see ?Big Fish? on Monday night, who should we see in the cinema foyer but our old mucker Tim Beech, former Head of Sport on WM, plus one of his relatives; they were there to see ?Lord Of The Rings?, bless their little hobbit-boots and hairy feet. What impeccable taste they both have. It?s always pleasant batting the breeze with Tim; his knowledge of the West Midlands football scene is encyclopaedic, his conversation fascinating and stimulating, and it was a genuine shame we didn?t have more time to exchange views further. Tim?s now strutting his stuff at Radio Stoke (assuming he can get a word in edgeways, of course: the locals don?t half natter when they get going!), and loving every minute of it, of course.

Tomorrow is Valentine?s Day, but more importantly, it?s also when we play our return League fixture with Cardiff City. Given their followers? distinctly unsavoury reputation when on the road, I don?t think we?ll be getting cards plastered in sloppy pink hearts and flowers from them, somehow! No joke, they really are an anachronism, a bit like those awful golf clubs that steadfastly refuse to admit females, even now. Mind you, ever since they introduced a strictly-policed away-travel membership scheme ? about 18 months ago, so I?m given to understand ? the number of incidents involving their troglodyte element has diminished remarkably. There are around 2,400 of their lot legitimately expected tomorrow, and anyone not producing a membership card won?t be allowed through our turnstiles, full stop. Scuttlebutt has it their real ?weapons of mass destruction? are mixing it with their Bluenose braindead counterparts in the city centre instead, which just goes to reinforce what I?ve been saying for yonks; so-called ?football violence? usually takes place at venues well away from the match proper, its participants caring not two hoots about the fortunes of their so-called ?favourites?.

Returning to things Albion once more, at least we now have cover for Murph, should we need it. Much excitement earlier today, though, when the Mirror reckoned Nico Vaessen was coming to town, but it turned out they?d got it spectacularly wrong; he?s going to Bradford, as per the original script, and presumably with a far greater chance of first-team football there than he would have had at our humble abode. Just as well, really, because according to The Mirror account, we were supposed to be paying Blues ?500K for his services, which didn?t sound quite right to me; that much for someone only there as temporary custodian-cover? But what the heck, instead, we?ve secured the loan services of former Wednesday stalwart Kevin Pressman. Blimey, it must have taken a hell of an effort to prise him away from Hillsborough, rumour had it he?d been there so long (he made his Wednesday debut way back in 1987!) he was practically welded to the place! Mind you, when you scratch beneath the surface of the story a little, you begin to understand why him; our leader was there between 1984 and 1989, so their time together must have overlapped considerably. I don?t know for sure, but they must have played quite a number of first team games together. As Meggo lives in Sheffield, and knowing Wednesday only recently released the bloke (well, he has done what amounts to a life-sentence with The Owls, hasn?t he?), the rest was easy. As it is, what with him weighing around 14 stone all-told, when he comes to sit on the bench tomorrow, watch out for his colleagues sitting at the other end all soaring through the air with the greatest of ease!

That Cardiff encounter?s also interesting for another reason, well, several, in fact. The first is our home followers will now get a chance to clap eyes on former Baggies player Danny Gabbidon, who went to the Welsh club for a nice little fee some time ago. The second? Former Hereford player Paul Parry. Bear with me, because there?s an Albion connection there also. A few seasons back, Paul was getting rave reviews for his performances with the Bulls. Clearly, he was destined for far more than slogging out 90 minutes-worth of kick and rush in the nether regions of the Conference, and it came as no surprise to us to learn our favourite football team had him well and truly in their sights. How do we know? Simple. Bobby Hope told both The Fart and myself when we interviewed him for the fanzine around that time. By now, you?re probably asking the obvious question; if that?s the case, why didn?t we get Parry?s signature on the dotted PDQ? Easy: not long after that, Fate ? the sort that pokes its ruddy great nose in on Friday The Thirteenth, probably ? well and truly intervened. Come his next appearance for the Bulls, the lad broke his leg, and of course, what with that, plus the long lay-off the injury involved, any residual Baggies interest cooled considerably.

Turning to our own personnel once more, we?ll have Murph between the sticks for poor old Houlty, who is suffering from a bad back. (Cue for the obvious joke, I suppose.) One other bit of good news; we?ve got Jason Koumas back and raring to go, which should bring a little more finesse to the engine-room department. Big Dave, Sakiri, Hass, Chambo and Lloyd Dyer will feature also, from what my good buddy Anc has said ? he was at the ground earlier today, and bumped into the players as he was nattering with the reception lady. Oh, and something else Anc said, today, Big Dave had a Valentines card! In a scarlet envelope, no less, and covered with lots of smoochy hearts, it was! His missus can rest easy, though ? this particular declaration of undying love came from an eight year old girl, and wasn?t Dave dead tickled to get it! So much so, he agreed to pose with the thing for the benefit of our little friend?s trusty camera. Seriously, he was genuinely pleased, and the evidence can be found on Anc?s own website. As I?ve said before, Dave?s really is one of the nicest blokes I?ve ever met, and sincere with it as well.

Our chances of three points tomorrow? Oooh, a bit of a sticky one, that. Hopefully, we?ll have got out of our system whatever plagued us at Preston last Saturday, because if we take to the field of play harbouring similar attitudes tomorrow, we can forget it. We played like the proverbial ?bag of spanners? at Deepdale, and subsequently paid the price, with added interest. 4-4-2 is what I want to see, and no quarter or respect whatsoever given to the opposition, either. If we sincerely want to go up as of right, then we have to be ruthless. Oh, soddit, I?ll go for a toenail-scraping win tomorrow, and hang the consequences. Whatever does happen come the morrow, it?s absolutely imperative we start ratcheting up those points, and quick, because we have a bloody long and rocky road ahead of us. A week tomorrow, we go to Bramall Lane, the wearing of steel helmets and flak jackets optional. Come March 2nd, we make the long midweek trek to table-topping Norwich; again, that?s another ? I won?t say ?must win?, just ?must get something? ? type of game. On the 16th of that month, we also play hosts to our old friends Wigan, Jason Roberts and all. I do hope we took the precaution of insisting upon the insertion of a clause in his contract debarring him from playing in that one. Sandwiched between that lot are encounters with Rotherham, Coventry and Crewe, the first two at home, the Cheshire side at Gresty Road.

When faced with that sort of opposition of late, that?s when we?ve fallen down, and our record to date versus top six sides hasn?t been all that good either. It might look peachy to outsiders, that second position of ours, but only we know just how vulnerable we are. Only last night I took a call from my West Ham counterpart, who genuinely couldn?t understand why all the panic from our followers. A continuation of that indifferent streak of late, and it might be the play-offs we?re looking at, and not the glittering prize we all expected. I don?t know about you lot out there, but if push came to shove, I wouldn?t be at all confident of us turning it on in a ?sudden death? type of game. Let?s all hope it doesn?t come to that.

And Finally?. Oooer! According to various media accounts I?ve seen today, to relieve the godawful pain he was in following that back injury of his, Houlty had to have an epidural, a treatment normally reserved for the maternity ward. Far be it from me to make light of what must have been a most unpleasant experience for England?s (uncrowned) Number One, but when you?ve recovered, mate, any chance of us Dick Eds seeing the little sprog for ourselves?

 - Glynis Wright

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