The Diary

19 January 2004: Kev Coughs Well And A Ref Gets Hell.

Blimey, what a time to rise and (not!) shine. Eleven in the morning, would you believe? Not a pretty sight. Unfortunately for the scandal-makers among you, this wasn?t because I engaged in an evening of Bacchus-assisted wild debauchery on my return from Turf Moor, more the fact that I was up until gone three in the morning turning out my daily piece for the benefit of those in far-flung outposts of ? er, I can?t say ?Empire? any longer, can I, as we don?t have one, so let?s just say I was in ?full production mode for the benefit of those based in the further reaches of the Commonwealth?. And swearing at the cat, who kept attacking the cursor on my screen thinking it was something creepy-crawly that had no right whatsoever to exist in our office.

It being Sunday, a quick trip into the country to partake of a roast lunch was favourite, but before that, a strange phone call from a mate of The Fart?s. Something about the key to a Methodist church near El Tel?s gaff, which had ?Im Indoors in a state of complete perplexity for some time, but he duly passed the message on to our venerable co-editor, so it must have made perfect sense to him. Oh, and another weird conversation with tame Blackburn supporter Kevin Nolan. For a long time, he?s been suffering from a mysterious cough, the cause of which has long defied the best diagnostic experts the NHS has to offer. He was even given a place in a dedicated ?Cough Clinic? something I never even knew existed. Until very recently, that was; now, even they have given up on Kev?s ailment. Apparently, the specialist put it all down to ?Embryonic Abuse?! ?Doo wot?? said I, in complete astonishment for once. I?ve heard of an awful lot of ailments, some life-threatening, some not, but never have I heard of that one before. Apparently, it?s the term used to describe what happens when you?re in the womb, happily mired in amniotic fluid, and, unwittingly or otherwise, Mum then ingests something that adversely affects your growth and/or development. Oh, well, that?s something new I learned this weekend; with a cough like his, maybe there's a future for Kev on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"?

Not long after that, we then sallied forth into the wilds of Worcestershire, to a hostelry called the ?Live And Let Live?, not all that far from Kiddy. Roast lamb and all the trimmings, mint sauce, and an absolutely delicious ?triple chocolate mousse? for afters. Three different layers of choccy heaven, lashings of cream, and, on first sight, what seemed to me like ?overkill? but, much to my surprise, it worked perfectly. Well, my taste buds and tum thought so, anyway.

Back to the ranch, then, and some serious perusal of the Sunday papers for accounts of yesterday?s Turf Moor encounter. One item I found most strange was a reference ? either the Sunday Mirror or The People, can?t remember which, right now ? stating Geoff Horsfield?s nickname was ?The Ox?. Hang on a mo, since when was our new striker a former member of The Who? And, continuing in similar vein, why is he most certainly alive and kicking (well, he was yesterday!) and not giving the local earthworm population some badly-needed nutrients right now? And, while we?re in the business of splattering question-marks all over this column, why didn?t the incompetence of the referee feature larger in the various accounts of the game I saw today?

It can?t just be me that felt he had less than an adequate grip of events, can it? Indeed, one of the tabloids gave him a ?five? for his performance yesterday. Sure, it?s not an acknowledgment that his handling of the game was totally faultless, but it?s hardly a fair assessment of his deplorable lack of whistling skills, either. I sincerely hope there was an assessor watching in the stands yesterday, because as far as I?m concerned, that guy should never referee another game at our level ever again. Incidentally, should you think I?m looking at this through blue and white coloured spectacles, try going to the Burnley website and see what they?re saying about the bloke; I get the distinct impression they?re spitting sulphur and brimstone in great quantities as well. And, I quote: ?The Burnley players were growing visibly frustrated with the referee?s failure to pick up on many fouls?. Tactfully put, to say the least.

Stan Ternent? Rumour has it he?s now got a bevy of nurses soothing his fevered brow after all those exhausting ?whirling Dervish? impersonations on the touchline yesterday. Oh ? one other thing, and highly relevant. Since when has it been permissible for managers to rant and rave at least a yard beyond the technical area, and encroaching by about a yard onto the actual field of play? And, more importantly, what was the fourth official (or, in this instance, most certainly not) doing about it?

Talking about strikers, last night, I made brief reference to what could become a bit of a crisis in that department, should we not remedy the situation very shortly. Of course, a (partial) solution to the problem might lie closer to home than I?d previously thought. Something I meant to mention, but never did, was Deech?s highly creditable performance for Millwall against Sunderland yesterday. That brace of his proved pretty conclusively he can still do a job for us; presumably, there?s nothing written into the loan deal disbarring him from returning to The Shrine, if only to tide us over that short-term striker crisis. Mind you, I was amused by what Millwall gaffer Ray Wilkins said about Deech?s abilities after that win. "He has nice feet for a big player and brings other people into the game. He's initially here for one month, but I wouldn't have a clue about the cost of buying him." ?Nice feet?? ?Cost of buying him?? Ooer. Just make sure you don?t drop the soap when you next go in those showers, Deech!

Another thing I didn?t realise until today was that The Horse is but one yellow card short of an automatic suspension. Given the way we play, and the sort of referees we?re getting these days, the time he oversteps the mark might not be all that far away. Should a replacement not be immediately forthcoming, what the hell we do if and when that happens doesn?t bear thinking about, unless we resort once more to sticking players like Clem or Sakiri in the socket on a short-term basis!

Those who saw my posting of yesterday will have read of my concern for our defensive-minded team selection yesterday. No less than eight defenders in that line-up, and against a side nearer the bottom of the division than the top? Surely we should have been looking at going at them, and making life thoroughly miserable for them from the outset. Sure, you can?t always legislate for someone getting an early bath, especially a player who?s never walked in his entire career before, and it has to be said that The Beast played out of his skin as well, but I would have thought a little more of a spirit of adventure wouldn?t have gone amiss. Additionally, I couldn?t really understand why Lloyd Dyer seemed to be playing more in the middle rather than the left flank after he came on yesterday. He looked a little lost, in my view. Not surprising, really, as his overall League experience, Kiddy apart, is somewhat limited. He plays his football very much on that side, very well, too, and always has done, one or two reserve games early this season excepting. Perhaps it might have been a better idea to utilise Sakiri in that role instead, or Hughsie, even. They?ve been around far longer, and might well have adapted better to being asked to play differently.

And that?s about it for today. Obviously, if we do happen to get striking reinforcements, or similarly newsworthy events occur, then I?ll be bursting forth in print that very same day. As we don?t have a game this weekend, I?m not entirely sure when I?ll be ?producing? again. We do have a date with Sutton Branch next Thursday night, and Graham Taylor is the guest, but as it?s of non-Albion concern, really, I?m not sure how much demand would exist for an account of that meeting. If enough think it?s worth doing, then I will, but if there?s only limited demand, then I won?t. Thinking on, as we?re going to Cheltenham next Saturday to see their match versus Hull, I might well do something with a Bob Taylor slant that evening, and use the time as an opportunity to pull together all the small threads of Albion-related news that crop up during the week. Until then ? be it Thursday or Saturday ? have fun.

And finally?.. Aargh! Anybody know of any good last-minute short breaks that get you as far away from football as humanly possible? In view of The Dingles? unexpected triumph over Man Urinal yesterday, one paper I won?t be reading too closely next week is the Wolverhampton Express And Star. Well, I ask you ? not only have we been made to suffer a day-by-day and blow-by-blow build-up to the game ? they never gave our opening-day Premiership baptism of fire versus the same side such comprehensive coverage, did they? - come Monday (and very likely for several days more), we?ll have to suffer the excesses of a mass Dingle-gloat as well.

 - Glynis Wright

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