The Diary

08 January 2004: Look What They've Done To Our Song, Ma!

Of the title, more later, but first off, a question. What is it about January that makes it so detestable? The awful thought that with Christmas and The New Year now well astern of the propeller, there?s sod-all to look forward to until Easter, hot-cross buns, chocolate eggs, bonking bunnies and all? Or is it the endless procession of chilling, grey, soulless days, coupled with the whiz-bang arrival of darkness around tea-time? Whatever the primary cause, it?s a recipe for depression of the worst kind, and the doings of our football team haven?t exactly proven therapeutic, as yet. Even the Dingles, our usual snigger-makers, aren?t playing the game at the moment; last night, they managed to draw with Blackburn, the only cheering note was they should have pocketed all three points, but cocked up late doors. Still, what with Spurs giving the Blues keeper a bad case of backache, the solitary point gained by our local rivals ain?t going to do ?em much good, as the north London lot were fourth from bottom prior to that game, but have now jumped a place, so the gap?s still there.

Still, it hasn?t been all gloom and doom in GD Towers; tonight, we took delivery of three absolutely essential items from our mad Welsh Printer. The first? Our new Dick, of course, totally GM-free again, and ready for your delectation outside the ground tomorrow night. Subscribers shouldn?t fret either; your copies will be hitting your doormats tomorrow morning, nicely in time for you to drop it in your toast, or drip egg-yolk over. We also now have an email contact address for subscriptions, should any of you good folkies want to become subbers (hint, hint!), or need to tell us about a change of address. It?s dicksubs@football4sale.com. We?ll quote you happy for whatever part of the world you?re from. The other goodies Paul gave us? Belated Christmas presents for us two Dick Eds; a box of choccies for me, and oodles of beer ? Old Speckled Hen, I think - for ?Im Indoors. I can almost hear the ?hics? from here.

After that, it was a case of hitting the road and getting some of our mags to their retail outlets, such as Dee at The Old Cross in Langley. Should you wish to slake your thirst in there pre-match, while you?re ordering your own particular brand of poison, ask Dee for a Dick ? she?ll be only too pleased to oblige! From there, it was then the long haul down to Halesowen and the place where my other half?s mum and beloved hang out. Unlike the famous ?Johnny ?T?, they have a stall in Cradley Market, and nothing would please them more greatly if you were to ?stop them and buy one? over the next few days. Following our quick pit-stop there, it was then back onto the M5 and in the direction of West Bromwich and Steve The Miser?s gaff in sunny downtown Hill Top. Well, I use the word ?sunny? advisedly; it was nearer ten at night by the time we got away, but you know what I mean! Those of you who like to get your fix at Steino?s emporium in West Brom Market, I?ll be taking my wares up there tomorrow morning.

And, talking of tomorrow?.. The question on everyone?s mind right now is whether we can do something to arrest the awful run we?re having at the moment. Sure, we do have a good track record in the League versus The Saddlers, but whether we can continue in similar fashion tomorrow night is a moot point, especially considering the awful form shown by just about everyone just lately. The word on the streets is that we?re in the process of grabbing Mark Kinsella, of Villa, on a temporary basis. My God ? we have to be desperate if we?re contemplating signing a Seal; I just hope the Albion?s chefs have laid in stock enough raw fish to keep their blubbery and bewhiskered customer happy! Oh, and whatever you do if and when he signs on the dotted line for us, don?t even think of throwing him a beach-ball while he?s playing! Seriously, though, I?m still puzzled as to why we need yet another midfielder in our ranks, especially considering we choose not to play a couple of perfectly good ones, preferring instead to leave them kicking their heels either on the touchline, or in the reserves.

Returning to the domestic affairs of our current lot once more, I?d like to think we?ll still persist with the largely experimental 4-4-2 thing we tried at Forest. Sure, it didn?t go as planned, but having only tried it for one game, it?s not really a fair trial, is it? When you?re making a root-and-branch change like that, there are bound to be glitches at first, but once our players become more familiar with what?s required of them, it should all slot into place quite nicely. Mind you, what?s more likely is the decision that having tried it once, and found it to be wanting, we won?t try similar ever again. On a similar note, I?d like to see Lloyd Dyer in action on the flank once more, and this time, for the whole 90 minutes, and not just as a late throw of the dice. When he came on at Forest, we certainly didn?t know what he was going to do from minute to minute, and Forest certainly didn?t, so he?s worth another go in my book. He?s an unknown quantity to The Saddlers, and given the opportunity to do so, he could wreak absolute havoc on that wing. With someone like that supplying the ammo, we might even manage to get The Horse off the mark, and by way of a bonus, shift Rob Hulse out of the goalscoring doldrums in which he seems to have becalmed himself of late. Result? Hopefully, all three points, because if we draw, or, worse still, dip, then the repercussions could be cataclysmic. I think we know one another well enough by now to realise what I?m talking about.

Turning to the Jason Roberts issue once more, if the Radio Five commentary on Villa-Pompey the other night were to be believed, Jason had quite an eventful game for the Hampshire club. Although he didn?t find the net himself, he seemed to be giving our local rivals? defence quite a few problems they hadn?t bargained for, so it would appear there?s life in the old Jase yet. Certainly, there?s much speculation right now regarding his short and long-term future. The other day, both the E and S and the official club website said Albion turned down a ?1.75m bid for him from Wigan Athletic. Their gaffer, Paul Jewell, wants to strengthen their forward options after seeing The Horse gallop to The Hawthorns, so turned to us for a replacement.

This is where it gets interesting, though, because Jeremy Peace said the club was still considering its position on the 25-year-old. According to him, we were looking at three options. They could call him back should there be a bid for him, bring him back as a possible solution for our current problems finding the back of the net, or he could simply stay put at Pompey. Should the club plump for Option One, that would give Albion a whole lot of moolah, to be spent elsewhere, presumably. Option Two? If it should happen, look out for Ian Paisley being invited to a knees-up at Gerry Adams?s house. Unless ?things? change, of course. Option Three? As their ?normal? striker?s off to the African Nations Cup for 6 weeks very soon ? in fact he may have gone already ? then it might well be Pompey will want to retain his services a while longer.

We now hear that Jord?o has left W.B.A and joined Portuguese Superliga side Estrela Amadora on a free transfer. I suppose it had to happen sooner or later, as the only reason he still remained with us was because of that curiously-altruistic (for us!) arrangement whereby we treated his injury until he was fit enough to take his services elsewhere, which he?s now done. I?ve really racked my brains, and I can?t, for the life of me, think of another club where an injured player?s been treated so generously. Mind you, when I think back to that game at Dingles-ville two seasons ago, where the lad?s fantastic strike gave us three more luvverly points on the road to promotion, I?d say he deserves everything the club could give him!

Well ? I said it was going to happen, and now it has. Regular readers may recall an earlier offering in which I told of receiving a post-match phone call from someone connected to the club warning me that if the ?naughty lyrics? didn?t stop, then The Liquidator would get it. To be fair, in recent weeks, whenever I heard the Harry J hit being played pre-match, the source of the problem was barely discernible, but that may have been due to increasing unease on the part of our supporters concerning our continuing failure to kick on, and put points up on the board; despite all that, it?s now been banished to The Outer Darkness. By who? The mysterious ?Safety Committee? I mentioned when this whole issue first came to light, that?s who. The same people, you may recall, whose silence last season was deafening on the vexed question of disabled supporters having to walk, limp or propel themselves by wheelchair around three sides of the ground because of the closure of the Smethwick gates.

Come on, chaps (chapesses?), if we are going to get so pissy over such trivialities, why stop there? You haven?t even begun to scratch the surface of the issue. Why not stick little bits of duct tape over people?s mouths every time they walk through the turnstiles? No chance whatsoever of any obscenity, large or small, passing their lips if that were to happen. Or what about incorporating mechanical restraints into every seat, thereby ensuring that once punters were in-situ, there would be absolutely no possibility of them standing up, or making gestures deemed to be inflammatory? Stop ethnic minorities coming to games? After all, there?s the possibility they?d be upset by disparaging remarks made about them by other supporters. Come to think about it, why bother with spectators at all; the close proximity of ordinary human beings at games only serves as a distraction for both players and manager, and we can?t have that, can we? Just rely on TV income and corporate sponsorship to come up with the dough, and, by way of a bonus, save a packet on administration costs (ticket office staff, stewarding, turnstile supervisors, policing etc.) which would keep the suits well-happy, which, when you think about it, seems to be the main priority for everyone in the game these days.

Mind you, when I saw the lyrics of what?s being touted as the Liquidator?s replacement ? thanks, Anc! - that?s when I really had to change my knickers for fresh ones. ?Jump Around?, it?s called, by ?House Of Pain?, and here?s a brief sample of what will be blasted at our children?s? sensitive eardrums via the PA at future games. There?s ?I won't tear the sack up/Punk you'd better back up/Try and play the role and the whole crew will act up? and, ?If your steps up, I'm smacking the ho/Word to your moms I came to drop bombs/I got more rhymes than the bible's got psalms/And just like the Prodigal Son I've returned/Anyone stepping to me you'll get burned?. That non-contentious enough for you? And, if it isn?t, there?s always, ?So if you come to battle bring a shotgun/But if you do you're a fool, cause I duel to the death/Try and step to me you'll take your last breath.? And, just to leave everyone in absolutely no doubt as to where we stand on certain current issues, there?s, ?I'm the cream of the crop, I rise to the top/I never eat a pig cause a pig is a cop/Or better yet a terminator/Like Arnold Schwarzenegger/I gots the skill, come get your fill/Cause when I shoot ta give, I shoot to kill?.?

And finally? A quick word about Spam ? and not the well-known American pressed meant product so beloved of Monty Python either, although I do have to say I am partial to its ?frittered? form. When rootling though my mails this morning, of the total, half consisted of invites to increase my penis size (unrealistic: if someone could do that for me, it would be a medical first!), or turn my B-cup into its DD-sized counterpart (slightly more feasible, although what effect that would have on my centre of gravity doesn?t bear thinking about). Then there?s the various attempts to flog me a multitude of pills and potions, all of doubtful efficacy; although, with our favourite football team performing rather dismally at the present time, those extra-strong antidepressants were a particularly tempting option. Porn in its various guises? Er ?not for me, thanks. What?s the normal fare at The Shrine these days is enough to keep a whole busload of masochists messily occupied for a very long time, thank you very much!

 - Glynis Wright

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