The Diary

18 December 2003: Tickety-Boo? Not For Me, Blue

It all began to turn pear-shaped in the newsagents?. As is my wont, I always pick up my Guardian before proceeding elsewhere on the bus, but this morning, there was an old lady in the shop who appeared to be telling the owner her life story. Eventually, I managed to get a word in edgeways so I could pay for the wretched thing, but by the time I?d crossed the dear lady?s palm with silver, the bus had gone sailing merrily past. Even more frustrating when you consider the paper shop?s only about the legal distance for defenders during the taking of a free-kick from the stop.

No help for it, then, take the next one, which arrived about 20 minutes later, and deposited me outside The Shrine about a quarter of an hour further down the line. After our Cup exit last night, I?d assumed the ticket office would be totally bereft of Baggies wanting to score their next ?fix?, but I couldn?t have been more wrong even if I?d tried. When I finally reached the entrance, an astonishing sight greeted me ? Baggies abso-sodding?lutely everywhere! Instead of the normal two or three people waiting patiently for their turn, the queue stretched almost halfway to the entrance. This much demand, for a trip to the middle of nowhere in midweek, an open away end, shown live on Sky anyway, plus one in the New Year to a bog-standard Third Round FA Cup tie? What the hell was going on? It didn?t take me long to discover the reason; there were only three people actually stationed at the counter and serving, and one of these was actually being trained on the job. The rest? All completely new faces to me, and they seemed to have two speeds only, ?dead slow? and ?stop?. Loads of people in the back office, or so it seemed, but none of these actually prepared to get their hands dirty by emerging from the fastnesss of their nuclear bunker and getting to grips with that ever-increasing queue.

The net result? What should have been a five or ten-minute job became a 45-minute very tedious wait, not to mention a painful one, as my legs and back don?t take too kindly to such things these days. After all that, making my way into the town, and getting to grips with Steino was a doddle by comparison. Still, that?s both issues sorted out now, and I hope that shirt makes someone I know very well ? not ?Im Indoors, but someone of very tender years! - very happy. I?m still puzzled, though, as to why such clearly inexperienced staff were let loose on busting what became a quite formidable line of Baggies; apart from everything else, it wasn?t at all fair to put them in that situation. I can only assume that all the regular ticket office staff had been given the day off as reward for their sterling efforts in sorting out the various Arsenal ticketing glitches that arose recently, which was nice for them, but not so nice for those on their lunch hours from work. Because of constraints on their time, several had to leave long before they?d reached the head of the queue. Any chance of some different arrangements next time, chaps?

Right. Moan over, and back to the Albion stuff proper. Now, this is annoying. It now transpires Andy Johnson faces a race against time to be fit for our tryst with Coventry after limping out of last night?s game versus The Arse. According to the official website, AJ complained of hip and back problems before the start, but decided to play anyway. As we all know now, he couldn?t last the pace, and had to go off about six minutes before half-time. Personally, I?d thought that The Arse had done for him, but it just goes to show how wrong you can be. Mind you, that challenge on him ? and, yes, it was a penalty, so Radio Five can go hang themselves for all I care ? didn?t exactly help the healing process, did it?

And, talking of which, it?s interesting that the Beeb apart, most of the accounts of last night?s game I?ve read thus far opined we?d had a pretty raw deal from Matt Messias and his merry, but only half-fit, men. I?ve also read a comment today to the effect that what happened ? or, more to the point, didn?t! ? was, in effect, ?tough titty?. OK, I was pretty ambivalent about reaching the semis myself, but I still reserve the right to blow a gasket when I see a series of blatant injustices perpetrated against our lot out there. It might well matter diddly-squat to that referee, but I hope he?s seen a video of last night?s game, and I also hope he?s thoroughly ashamed of himself for that pusillanimous performance, but unless I espy a squadron of pigs flying in perfect formation above the rooftops over the next few days, it simply won?t happen. Mind you, that sort of thing will probably get him on the Premiership referees? list next season ? as someone so pertinently pointed out today on the list, when it comes to a choice between upsetting Arsene Wenger and Gary Megson, which is going to have the greater effect on your career?

Turning to more pleasant aspects of last night?s game, I was pleased to learn today that the great man himself, SuperBob, was a spectator as well. Rushing up and down the East stand trying to find his seat, apparently, and not with the prawn-sandwich brigade, but with the hoi polloi instead! Typical of the man that he was sitting with ordinary fans rather than in the corporate seats, but this just bears out my view that in the case of some very special Baggie-people, you can take the player out of the Albion, but you can?t take the Albion out of the player.

We now turn from the subject of a bloke who gave us everything in his time with the club, to a brace whose reasons for wanting to play for us seem remarkably diverse. We?ll start with The Horse. It's being reported around Wigan that he?s now signed a two and a half year deal with us, and is expected to formally join tomorrow, bringing his stay with Wigan to a very premature end after just three months. According to the blurb, the deal also comes with an option for another 12 months. The transfer fee hasn't been disclosed, but it?s believed Wigan will get their money back on a player they only signed from Birmingham in September. A timely signing for us, if it comes off, as last night?s inability to put the ball where it belonged only served to highlight a scoring problem that?s haunted us for weeks, even before Deech was injured, and Hughsie had his much-publicised off-the-field problems. Let?s hope the whole thing is signed, sealed and delivered nicely in time for the Coventry game, but even then, it?s going to take time for the guy to adjust to his new colleagues and Albion?s style of play, so don?t expect the Sun, the Moon, and the Universe all nicely packaged into one 90 minute debut performance.

That?s the first prospective Baggie, then; what about the second? It now appears that for whatever reason ? his agent scenting the prospect of a killing, maybe? - Darren Huckerby may stay at Manchester City after all, but only for the moment. Apparently, we agreed a fee believed to be ?750,000 for the forward, which the Canaries have also matched. His agent, Phil Smith, said his client still thinks he is capable of playing in the Premiership. "Darren hasn't decided that his future lies away from the club. He would like to play for City again," he said.

The agent also said, ?We will speak to West Brom and Norwich but we also believe there are other clubs interested in him who are operating at a higher level. If Huckerby was to leave Manchester City there are a few issues to be resolved. It would also be very difficult for Darren to entertain a permanent move into the Nationwide League. We will speak to West Brom and Norwich in due course but we also believe there are other clubs interested in him who are operating at a higher level."

If I read that little lot correctly, this could mean Huckerby and his advisers are holding out for a bigger share of the goodies, knowing full well that his services are urgently required by both prospective suitors, and the first one to crack because of the heat loses out. Man City, very brassic, must also be desperate to get rid; Huckerby?s representative certainly knows this, and will be angling for a lucrative ?golden goodbye? pay-off from the club for his client. The other interpretation is that Huckerby is holding out for the opening of the Premiership transfer window come the New Year, in the hope that he can attract clubs at that level in need of a boost to their firepower, and having sufficient ackers (ands the idiocy?) to pay silly prices. Either way, it shows him bathed in a somewhat mercenary light, and given the current climate, it might prove somewhat counterproductive for him, which I hope it does, and serve the bugger right, as well. If there?s one thing I can?t stand, it?s people who cynically hold other people to ransom.

And that?s about it until Friday night, because I?m having a short break. Tomorrow evening, we?re going to see ?The Lord Of The Rings?, which should be rather spiffing, as we?ve seen and enjoyed the other two already. Mind you, it?s also called ?The Return Of The King?, a title which recently prompted me to remark somewhat wistfully to ?Im Indoors, ?If only, if only?..!? The day after that, we?re both off to Forest Green Rovers to see what they make of Hereford United this time round. No Tam to watch, sadly, but we may get a glimpse of Danny Carey-Bertram, and their genial gaffer, Richard O?Kelly, formerly head-honcho of our youth team. Forest Green actually hail from Nailsworth, a rather attractive village about halfway between Gloucester and Bristol, so it?ll be a late column to write when I do get back.

And finally?. One. I?ll be bringing a job-lot of mince pies to Highfield Road for the delectation of our co-editors, come Saturday. The reason? Well, as I recently discovered, Friday just happens to be Mince Pie Day. Not many people know this, but the tradition of giving out these scrumptious little tartlets started in Victorian times, when the local gentry, mindful of the sufferings of the ?deserving poor? over the festive season, clubbed together to hand them out on the 19th of December. It?s a relic of the Middle Ages, apparently, when the duty was performed by the lord of the manor as payment in kind for certain services rendered by the local peasantry, which included the disposal of human sewage collected in steaming mounds over the preceding months. Apparently, the local press made much of the fact around 1857, when around 800 Crimean War veterans, some of them limbless, benefited from this largesse, so as The Fart?s in that category anyway, I decided to uphold this noble tradition in high style myself!

Two. Such has been the plethora of material for this diary given to me on matchdays, I?m now well into the third of my small but plump notebooks, all of which were purchased from Smiths at the start of the season. Not surprisingly, when in town today, I had to get three more from the same place. Theoretically, enough to see me through until the end of hostilities, but in practice, and given we?re rapidly approaching the time of year when things tend to hot up in the old promotion stakes, what odds are there on my getting even more before term finally comes to an end?

Three. On this, the hundredth anniversary of the first powered flight, I raise a toast to Wilbur and Orville Wright, for having the guts - or the sheer stupidity? - to actually take to the air in that peculiar contraption of theirs. Perhaps what prompted them to embark upon this lunatic quest in the first place was the knowledge that only 3,200 miles away, the mighty Baggies could only draw bloodlessly with both Derby and Notts County!

 - Glynis Wright

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