The Diary

13 December 2003: Woo-Woo! Tomorrow, It's Crewe!

Christmas is a-coming, the goose is getting fat ? and we?ve been pretty busy these last few days wrapping presents and writing cards for all those lovely people in our lives. So many, I had to nip out this morning and pick up another box of cards from a nearby shop. As I can?t be doing with the really slushy sort, it took a walk around three well-known establishments in the immediate area before I clapped eyes on a collection that suited our requirements, so that?s one preparation for the festive season now done and dusted.

We?re also totally sorted on the Dick front now, thanks to the entirely-unannounced arrival of Paul The Mad Welsh Printer at our place late-ish yesterday evening, and while I was in the shower as well. Ooer! Apparently, the poor bloke had been frantically trying to contact us on his mobile all day yesterday, but, as luck would have it, there were a series of power cuts in our area yesterday morning and lunchtime, knocking out our phone, and poor Paul remained incommunicado. See, it?s true ? think of the impossible and it happens to Paul every time!

This, of course, means we?ll have a spanking-new fanzine ? totally GM-free, as discussed previously - available for your delectation prior to tomorrow afternoon?s game versus Crewe, and winging its merry way to subbers scattered far and wide, even as I type these words. We?ve also well and truly stocked up Dee of the Old Cross in Langley, and Steve The Miser (caught two cats having nookie outside his house, as well ? ooh, la la!) tonight, so if your bent is a pint in the aforementioned boozer before the game, grab one there, and if it isn?t, then ?stop us and buy one?, as they say in the movies. Oh, and as of tomorrow morning, Steino in West Brom Market, as well.

Talking of our forthcoming encounter with the Gresty Road club, as usual, I am somewhat ambivalent about this one. I do have fond memories of Crewe Alex from when I was a student, about thirty years ago - they were usually propping up the rest of the Fourth Division, then, and they must have had a season-ticket to League HQ, so often did they have to apply for re-election! - and I?ve always looked out for their results ever since. I was (secretly!) rather chuffed for them when they gained promotion to the First for the first time in their history, a few years back, but I must hastily qualify that statement by saying that any good will towards the club on my part habitually goes out of the window whenever the fixtures chuck our two clubs together! As for the likely outcome, I don?t think it?s going to be the stroll in the park some are making it out to be.

Crewe and Dario Gradi are no mugs, and in fact, they won in the week, versus Palace, danger man Dean Ashton grabbing two on the process. They?re currently 11th in the heap, which isn?t bad at all for a club that?s considered mere cannon-fodder by some. Although it might not seem to be so at first glance, there?s quite a lot riding on tomorrow?s game; should we triumph, and our immediate rivals ?catch a crab?, then we could open up a psychologically-important seven-point gap between us and the next in line. The trouble is, whenever I contemplate this desirable outcome, dark thoughts constantly swirl around my head about The Dingles, and what happened with them, two seasons ago. The moral of the story? If we do manage to open up something of a gap over the festive season, if you?re going to brag about it ? do it discreetly, chaps!

What with the forthcoming game versus The Arse and everything, I do hope everyone?s mind is focussed upon our real task this season, and not on Tuesday night?s encounter. Sure, a Cup run?s real dandy, and the icing on our Baggie cake, but the main thrust of our efforts really do have to be concentrated on the bread-and-butter League stuff. Will Big Dave be featuring tomorrow? According to the media, he?s likely to be out with a heavy cold ? blimey, being within sneezing range of him must be like standing in the vicinity of a small nuclear explosion! ? but on the other hand, he wasn?t supposed to be figuring in the side that beat Bradford, but he did, so who knows? Deech?s venture into the world of keyhole surgery has been declared a complete success, but he?ll be out of the equation for about 6 weeks, so it?s a fair bet we?ll continue with the Dobes/Rob Hulse combo up front.

Incidentally, I trust Deech?s ears were burning, as I was really singing his praises to my permanently-sceptical brother-in-law tonight! This brings me to yet another poser; at Valley Parade, we finished the game playing 4-4-2, and, as we all know, the change in tactics paid off handsomely. I don?t suppose, you know, there just might be a slight possibility, a teensy, weensy chance ? whisper it quietly, lest the neighbours hear! ? we might start tomorrow?s game using the same ? eek, shock, horror! - formation? After all, Crewe certainly wouldn?t be expecting it; they?d be geared up to stopping us play, as per usual, and springing that one on them could really put them off their stroke, n?est ce pas? My prediction? A narrow win ? with the emphasis on the ?narrow?.

After my diary piece about the unfortunate troubles I had booking GD sellers? tickets for the Arsenal game, more tales of woe reached my ears, not to mention my PC. Cyril Randle reckons he?d been waiting for about 5-6 days for PIN numbers for both nephews and in the end, one of them had to sit on the end of the phone for an hour to get their tickets. No sooner had he booked them, the PIN numbers came through! Cyril thinks the club are doing their best under 'swamp' conditions; after all, the good times are back and lots of 'new noses' are pressed to the window!

But, there was more woe. Reportedly, a mate of his was one of those who hadn't been able to validate his card for Arsenal. He then rang Cyril for help, and related a horror story involving his ringing every day since Monday on his mobile from Ullapool, Scotland where he was working that week, twice getting in a queue, spending upwards of ?4 each time, and losing the signal before reaching number one! He found a library on Wednesday afternoon and tried by internet but still awaited his PIN. He then faxed two desperate messages, but got no reply, and left messages with several mates, but isn't sure any have been able to assist. He thinks not, as his bank account isn't minus the dosh thus far. He won't condemn the system out of hand as yet, but, as he states, there appears to be little flexibility and the apparent 'outlawing' of faxes, emails and postal applications seems to him to be all about making life easier for staff, and has little to do with making sure fans get tickets they are entitled to.

Cyril also asked if anyone else had tried to phone the TO earlier this week. Apparently, callers were greeted with a recorded message saying that none of the operators were available and to please call back. Unfortunately, one got this response irrespective of time called, in Cyril?s case, 10 times in 2 days. In effect, the TO closed down as far as phone bookings were concerned. More worryingly, I was told it was no use trying other channels or complaints either because the main phone menu offered only commercial, accounts or shop departments. There was no general enquiries number, and the 'hold for operator' option didn?t work either. My informant was of the belief the aim was to push people towards internet booking. But what if this isn't possible for the caller? I hope I?m wrong about this and the whole thing is merely due to teething troubles with a new system, as I surmised the other day, but you could argue that after a period of greater receptiveness, in terms of accessibility, the TO and the club generally now seem to be going backwards Certainly, that?s what those who took the trouble to contact me about this issue thought.

A very long ?And Finally?! Remember the other day, when I told the tale of the strange food-related chants begun by some of our regulars at Bradford, the impetus being sheer boredom with what was happening on the pitch? This really struck a chord with some people, who well-remember similarly arcane choral ?creativity? from Brummie Road Enders way back in the Seventies, thereby proving, yet again, there?s nothing new under the sun.

Take, for instance, long-time Baggie nut David Thompson. As a member of a group of about eight supporters all emanating from one of the 'posher' suburbs, he well recalls the ?Smethwick! Tipton!? chant prevalent in the Brummie Road End circa early/mid 70's. As well he might. The reason? The look of utter bewilderment on the faces of surrounding Black-Countryites as they added, somewhat confusingly, ?So -Li ? Hull, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.? on the end of the chant! David assures me none of them were high on naughty substances at the time, just the arrogance of youth! And, as he puts it, ?Just brimming with confidence in the knowledge that we looked so 'hard' in our highly polished black brogues, two tone Staypress trousers, Ben Shermans? and Harrington jackets!? $p The ?feelgood? update to the story was they all pretty much stayed in touch, and are now all fine, upstanding, and totally-respectable season ticket holders in the East Stand, where they sit proudly with their children, berating the smokers in the concourse, and those who dare to stand up during the exciting (??) passages of play! And, I wonder, people who make up weird chants?

Sean Willis also has fond memories of this richly-creative period in the Brummie?s choral evolution. In a recent email on the subject, he tells me was a regular in the Brummie Road End in the mid/late 70's as well, and remembers the "Fish, Chips" chant, although to his untutored Worcester ear it sounded more like "Feesh, Cheeps". The more mundane "Celtic, Rangers" stuff he recalls with clarity, also "Peas! Faggots!" (see below) and the Brummie dividing itself up into "The Left Side", "The Right Side" and (for him and his mates) "The Middle"! They must have been early examples of New Labour supporters, then! "Give it to Willie! (Johnson)" was a popular demand, closely followed by Willie's two songs, and the Kenny Burns "Where's your wife gone? Unigate!" was also rife for a couple of seasons.

We now turn to Steve Hurdman, a Llandudno Baggie. How well he remembered those bizarre chants! He tells me, ?Late seventies is correct, and the ?Feeesh! Cheeeps!? chant was often countered with ?Faggots! Payse!? This was about the same time as the Tipton/ Smethwick "banter", occasional ?Rangers! Celtic!?, and, a super one, this, ?Here?s the Banks?s mild, whop it down, whop it down!? ?

Steve then continues: ?I was a Brummie Rd season ticket holder then, living in North Wales - happy days (we had 45 in the supporters club), and the witty chants came thick and fast. One of the best was during a 4-4 draw against Bolton on a Hawthorns paddy field played in torrential rain, an end of season-type encounter, with about 11,000 in The Shrine. Up came the classic "Moses, Moses, stop the rain!" but unfortunately, Remi was unable to oblige! Gwyn Pierce Owen, the portly Anglesey ref, was the man in charge - apparently he was a closet Baggie and had never reffed 'em before, hence the decision to play the match! Peter Barnes got a hat trick if I remember correctly.?

It?s confession time for Steve now ? he tells me he has a small contract cleaning business, and one of his clients wrote "The Sparrow Song" Aw, you know, ?He's only a poor little sparrow/Cockney/Scouser!? etc. Steve tells me he?s actually clapped eyes on the gold disc the guy?s got adorning his hotel wall, so he knows this little gem really is on the level. Having told the ? erm - composer it was sung regularly at our place, there was some debate with our hero apropos of performing rights and royalties! What worries me, more than anything else, though, is this guy actually admitting in public he was responsible for that particular musical abomination! A suitable case for treatment, methinks?

Many thanks to everyone who contributed; it?s clear my musings about Anc and his little musical mates at Bradford struck a rich vein of memories for quite a few Baggies out there, and if everyone?s in agreement, I?ll include their contributions in a forthcoming Dick article on the subject. Oh, and if anyone else out there is hiding any similar material under a bushel, I?d like to hear from them also. Club history doesn?t just encompass what happens on the pitch; supporters play their part off it as well, and it?s for this reason their voices deserve to be heard by later generations. Additionally (and you never know), having read this, the present denizens of the Brummie might just be suitably-inspired to forego their computer games and the like, and create some all-time ?classics? of their own, just for the fun of it. After all, any idiot with half a brain can come up with something as facile as, ?Stand up if you hate the Wolves!? but, ?Here?s the Banks?s mild, whop it down, whop it down!?? Genius, pure genius ? and long may such originality continue, say I!

 - Glynis Wright

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