The Diary

06 December 2003: Hammering The Message Home?

You know something? I can?t help but feel our finest are going to regret mightily all the recent revelations via the press (and fuelled by our recent Man United League Cup victory), that cold baths and surgical stockings are mandatory in our dressing-room, post-match. Besides mentioning it myself last night, thus far, I?ve seen this curious tale in most of the dailies, and, of course, all the regionals. I mean, can you imagine the sotto-voce conversations, the sly nudges and winks, not to mention downright innuendo, in their local watering holes? ?Ooh, look ? there?s So-And-So coming in - you know, plays for the Albion? Hang on a mo; I can feel a wind-up coming on?. ?ERE, MATE ? WHERE?S YER TIGHTS TONIGHT? OH, NO! - THEY ?AVEN?T LADDERED AGAIN, ?AVE THEY?? Well, you can picture the embarrassing scenes yourselves, no doubt. Not only that, what about the incredulous reactions of wives and girlfriends on seeing that lot? I don?t know what you think about it all, but I?m dead certain that if my other half suddenly came home wearing those sort of undergarments, I?d be asking him some pretty pertinent questions about both his sanity and his masculinity, not necessarily in that order - and then collapse in fits of hysterical laughter on first sight of the things! Bearing my probable reaction in mind, how much do you want to bet me that once out of that ground and on the road home, the first thing they do is slip into a handy lay-by and remove the offending garments from their lower limbs pretty sharpish?

Earlier today, as promised, three of us Dick Eds ? The Fart, ?Im Indoors and myself ? made the short journey to Netherseal, and Laraine Astle?s house. Terry also bore gifts; enough chocolates to keep the junior members of the Royal Family in confectionery for the immediate and mid-term future ? one of the fringe-benefits of being a Cadbury?s pensioner, I suppose! - plus some of his very comprehensive scrapbooks from seasons 1964-1966 inclusive, for Laraine?s perusal. What with the profusion of memorabilia accreted during the course of Jeff?s many years in the game scattered all around us, and The Fart?s enormous cuttings-collection, much of the afternoon was spent tripping gaily down Memory Lane, to a time when players? sole financial concerns revolved around having the money to buy a Mini, plus a decent haircut! Twelve quid a week was the wage Jeff received when he was at Notts County ? and half of that went on rent for their flat!

As usual, The Royal Family treated us royally, plying us with flavoursome morsels like ham salad and trifle, and Laraine would have stuffed us full of mince pies as well, but our replete and protesting stomachs called a halt to the proceedings! Laraine said she loves to be in the company of Albion supporters; that was pretty evident, as we were spoilt rotten the whole afternoon! Oh ? and if you?ve ever wondered who it is leaves fresh bouquets of flowers on the Gates before every home game, the answer is the Astles themselves. They never miss. Another thought; Laraine happened to mention how nice it would be if there were a framed photographic print available of the Gates in all their splendour. Anyone out there think it would be a ?goer?? All comments will be passed to Laraine, of course.

Naturally, we also talked about the ongoing legal proceedings concerning Jeff?s illness and untimely death. As you?re probably aware by now, Laraine?s legal advisers are pursuing litigation against the FA, not the club. Those who followed my diary some two seasons ago may remember this was the probable course of action I outlined when the matter first came to a head; my reasoning was based on the fact that it was the FA that stipulated the rules and regulations concerning the weight and size of match-balls, also the materials from which they were manufactured in those days. As Jeff played for several clubs both before and after he played for us, it was difficult for me to see how anyone could pin the blame on one specific club, or heap a ?blanket action? on the lot of them. I suspect it will be a long time before any of this is resolved. The whole thing?s a bit like medical negligence proceedings, really; I?m willing to bet a handsome sum that shortly before the hearing, both parties will come to a reasonably-amicable out-of-court settlement, thereby preventing the laundering of soiled washing in court. If that happens, the only people who will gain from this are the lawyers.

Having said that, I can see what?s driving Laraine to take this extreme course of action; as she said to us today, if she succeeds, it would be a landmark decision, and once the precedent has been set, then others in a similar position can benefit also. I do know that legal action on behalf of former professionals diagnosed with similar conditions has been attempted before, but without that significant coroner?s verdict ? ?death due to industrial disease? - previous actions have foundered due to lack of definitive pathological evidence proving that the match ball was the likely perpetrator of the damage. This whole nasty business is set to run and run, I suspect. There?s also another reason, not quite so obvious, as to what?s driving Laraine at the moment, and that?s what?s popularly called ?closure?. It?s one of those trendy sort of ?psychobabble? words I truly hate, but that?s what Laraine needs right now. Only when she gets the judicial verdict she feels Jeff is owed will she be truly able to move on ? and I understand her feelings on this totally.

And, while we?re on the subject of legal matters, today saw the appearance of Hughsie at Coventry Crown Court. As I?d suspected, nothing was decided today ? presumably, both sides, Crown Prosecution Service, and Lee?s legal advisers, are still formulating their respective cases - so the whole thing has been put back for what?s called ?plea and direction? in February. What this means is that when the case next comes up, then Lee will enter a plea, either of ?guilty?, or ?not guilty?. If Lee admitted the charges, then sentencing could take place there and then, although I?d be very surprised if that did happen. As both alleged offences are of a very serious nature, then what?s known as ?pre-sentence reports? would be called for by the judge, usually compiled by the Probation Service, and taking around three weeks to prepare. If, however, Lee elected to fight the case, then it would have to be adjourned for a future trial at a date to be fixed, and a jury sworn in at that time. One thing that did surprise me, though, was the fact that Lee?s bail conditions had been varied to allow him to play for the club once more. To be quite honest, I hadn?t realised that a restriction had been previously put in place specifically barring him. If that?s the case, then it wouldn?t surprise me in the least to see him turning out for our reserves before too long.

Tomorrow?s game, then. ?Waiting For The Hammer To Fall?, as the late Freddie Mercury once sang, or a ghostly rendition of ?We Are The Champions!? from the long-deceased throat of that same flamboyant gentleman? Had we not played on Wednesday night, I would have felt a little more confident about the probable outcome, but I suspect that our magnificent win that night also had the totally-unrequited side-effect of sapping an enormous amount of strength and stamina from our lot. Yup, I?ll look rather silly should I be proven wrong ? so go for it, lads, and make me look totally silly come five o?clock tomorrow! Eight games unbeaten, we are, but the Hammers will be as mad as hell for putting three past us, then conceding four goals on their own turf. Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord? Last Saturday, they managed to put four past fellow promotion-travellers Wigan, but the one bit of good news is that Jermain Defoe?s suspension ? remember his red card at Upton Park, peeps? ? comes into effect tomorrow, so we won?t have his nuisance on the pitch come kick-off. Mind you, neither will West Ham for very long, because all the smart money?s on him upping sticks and leaving East London come the opening of the New Year Sales. What they will have, more likely than not, is three up front, Connolly, Harewood and Deane, who between them absolutely trashed Wigan last week. Ooer.

As for our lot, a nice little poser will be who to give a start up front. Not an easy choice, when you consider Deech played one of his best games ever for us versus Man Ure, and Dobes covered himself in glory (and slobbering team-mates!) by netting our second within ? erm ? seconds of walking onto the pitch. In any case, the goal apart, the lad was almost on fire, so eager was he to show what he could do. Rob Hulse? Was it my imagination, or did he look a little jaded on Wednesday night? That?s not meant as a criticism, but mightn?t it indicate the lad needs a bit of a rest on the bench for a game or two? Oh, one other thought; Robinson was cup-tied on Wednesday night, so Clem deputised ? and did bloody well, as I recall. Do we stick with things as they are, or do we plump for Paul?s return instead? Not easy, is it?

And finally?.. One. On the way to Laraine?s house, we called in on the Old Fart to pick him up, and also to present him with a nice big bottle of sherry. Why? Simple. Today is National Sherry Day, and being the concerned fanzine editors that we are, we felt obliged to ensure that our resident Boer War veteran celebrated the occasion with a drop (or three!) of his favourite tipple suitably to hand this evening. No doubt, the true extent of his involvement in the celebrations will be revealed by the size of his hangover come the morrow!

Two. Anybody out there remember Jason Van Blerk, the Aussie ?take no prisoners? defender-chappie who played for us some three or four seasons ago? You do? Well, the word on the streets is he?s returning to The Antipodes once more, and has now signed on the dotted for ? wait for it! ? Woolongong Wolves, in sunny Queensland! Oh dear, fancy associating himself with ?Wolves? in any way, shape, or form ? his time in Blighty must have really addled his brain! Seriously, though, I?ve got a lot of time for anyone who will cheerfully and willingly travel from the Stockport area to a supporters club meeting in Warwick, in midweek, and a less-than-packed audience. Also, he came across as a genial sort of person, and not a bloke you could instantly take a dislike to, so I hope it all turns out OK for him in the end. I?m also given to understand he?s put all his domestic arrangements in order, and is moving back to Oz next week, so if any of my mates Down Under are reading this and live in the area, don?t forget to let me know how he?s doing.

 - Glynis Wright

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