The Diary

04 December 2003: 2-0 - And The Arse Beckons!

?Look at it this way ? if you worry, you die, and if you don?t worry, you still die ? so why worry??

One of the Satanic Nurses, soothing our twanging nerves, in The Throstle Club, pre-match.

WHOO ? EEE!!!! A humungously ? is there really such a word, anyone? - fantastic win over what amounted to Man Urinal?s reserve side tonight, but don?t let the names on the team-sheet fool you; it was a hard-fought game, and all credit to the lads for banging ?em in when it mattered, and keeping ?em out when it mattered also. Oh - and we managed to miss a bloody penalty along the way, so if you really want to milk it for all its worth, you might want to say we deliberately went about it the hard way! We?re in the last eight, now, and that?s when things will really start to get sweaty. For the benefit of those who don?t know, the draw was made live on Sky about 30 minutes after the final whistle, and ex-Albionite Brendon Batson, would you believe (he was one of the bods pulling those little wooden ? er, not balls, blocks ? out of the pot), managed to extract for us a home draw against flaming Arsenal!

As a matter of interest, the other ties drawn were Bolton versus Southampton, Villa versus Chelsea, and Spurs versus Boro. It doesn?t need the IQ of an Einstein to realise that we?re now the sole (and damn proud of it!) Nationwide representatives left in the competition, so the eyes of the nation will be upon us in around a fortnight?s time ? and, before you ask, no, that wasn?t a typo; all those ties are genuinely that close to being played. Looking down the list of other contenders, it?s looking pretty much as though we?ll be live on the box yet again; Sky will ask for move one of them to be moved to the Tuesday, and I really can?t see Bolton-Southampton making for potentially-attractive TV, so it?s a pretty fair assumption the cameras will be coming to our place once more.

Can we do unto Wenger?s lot what we did unto Fergie?s? It?s an interesting concept, as, no doubt, they?ll be letting their reserves loose once more; once more, oodles will depend upon how seriously they?re likely to take the whole thing, and how well our cylinders are firing, plus, of course, whether we want to maintain our interest in the competition. I?m assuming this to be the first time we?ve progressed this far since 1982, so it would be an awful shame if we simply waved a white flag at them, but even as I type these words, my memory slides inexorably to February 1969, when we drew them in the FA Cup Fifth Round. A shame the match had to be postponed to midweek because of bad weather, but everything comes to (s)he who waits! Once more, we were the underdogs, although of the same division, then. Arsenal, for their part, were riding high, and being a London side ? not a lot changes, does it? - they had the lion?s share of the punditry declaring the Gunners would blast us into oblivion. But it didn?t work out that way; on a bone-hard pitch, due largely to a night frost of hypothermic proportions, we whopped ?em 1-0, thanks to Bomber Brown?s timely strike, and they didn?t like it up ?em one little bit! Oh, and in their goal was Bob Wilson, he of the TV work, and if that doesn?t make you feel old, it damn well ought to!

For what it?s worth, we progressed as far as the semis versus Leicester that season, and only went out to a jammy ?Sniffer? Clarke deflection with about three minutes remaining on the clock. As far as the League?s concerned, the last time we shot The Gunners down in flames on our patch was season 1972-73; once again, Bomber was the perpetrator of the damage. Oh, and that was our relegation season as well, but you don?t want to mention that in polite company, do you?

Returning from the glorious past to the incredible present once more, our normal matchday routine was thrown a little out of kilter by the absence of both The Noise and The Fart from the Throstle Club pre-match. The principal reason, as a flustered Noise breathlessly informed us, was a hold up of almighty proportions on the M6-M5 interchange, caused by an accident, as I understand it. In fact, so bad were the traffic problems, the kick-off had to be delayed by 15 minutes; had the game gone to extra time and penalties, the whole thing would have finished nearer eleven that night! As for The Fart, heaven alone knows what happened to him, although I subsequently heard from Steve The Miser that the old sod had finally made it, and was selling Dicks like they were going out of fashion outside the East Stand! Returning to the Throstle Club once more, it was there we met one of the Satanic Nurses, which wasn?t a surprise as they frequently go there to ?pre-medicate? their brain cells prior to entering the ground, but tonight, unusually for that lot, one of the lads concerned was wearing his best whistle and flute for the occasion. Sacre bleu! What the hell was going on? The answer, when it came, was that our devotee of the Nightingale cult had been invited into the directors? box ? ?Guest of Jeremy, doncha know!? he said, littering names profusely around the room as he spoke. ?Just remember not to start leaping around if we score!? I reminded him, ?Oh ? and some of those filthy songs you make up are a definite no-no as well!? Mind you, I don?t suppose he was listening to a blind word of my warning; those lads are made of far sterner stuff than that. It wouldn?t surprise me in the slightest to read in tomorrow?s paper he?s been chucked out, or something!

Outside the ground, it looked as though a good many people had heeded the club?s exhortations in the local press and their website to turn up early, as our pitch was far more populous than is the case normally at that time. Of course, there were the eternally-roving Sky cameras, who managed to capture Michelle and Jean, of supporters club fame, as they professed their enthusiasm for the cause to the nation?s watching millions. Oh, and someone also told me a rather funny (but true!) story concerning a Dingles supporter at their place of work, but I?ll save that one until the very end.

Another feature prominently on show tonight was bloody arrogant Mancs, or rather, arrogant people who professed to hail from the Manchester region. One particularly unpleasant specimen asked me what I was selling, then upon realising what it was, embarked upon a put-down couched in the most condescending tones he could muster. The best thing to do in that situation is smile sweetly, and go ?Yeah, yeah,?, but that incident only served to really crystallise my hate for United and all their works, consequently, the old anger glands were really going with a vengeance come kick-off. I wonder if that guy enjoyed the game? And there were the part-timers, of course; one bright pair, stilecards clutched in their hot little hands, asked me: a) where the Halfords Lane Stand was, and b) where entrance D2 was located. Dearie me.

As kick-off drew nearer, and as our selling-fest had juddered to a virtual halt, we decided to go in slightly earlier than usual. We also had a residual nervousness about our stile cards malfunctioning ? we?d ?topped-up? for tonight?s game online, a ?first? for us Dick Eds - so we wanted time to spare just in case the technology stuffed up on us. On the ?belts and braces? principle, we?d also printed off our receipts from email, but fortunately, these weren?t necessary, as our cards both did the biz with nary a hitch. Into our usual perches, then, and the team news. Because Robinson was cup-tied, Clem was drafted in instead, and we had Deech and Rob Hulse up front. Scott Dobie had also recovered properly from what had ailed him at Cardiff, and was on the bench as were Sakiri and both Chambos, plus, of course, Murphy.

United? Well, a reserve side, almost. Ish. According to ?Im Indoors, of all the players eligible for tonight?s game, Fergie had in effect ?rested? an incredible FOURTEEN, and some bloody big names amongst ?em as well. What we did have on the pitch were players like Ronaldo and Kleberson, with Phil Bardesly and Paul Tierney making their debuts. Also included in that side were Nicky Butt, Roy Carroll, John O?Shea and Darren Fletcher, but it had to be remembered that these guys would also be wanting to make an impression on their manager as well, so lack-lustre and uninterested performances from the visitors weren?t a ?given? at any time.

Did we deserve the win? Well, there were around 3,000 United followers in the Smethwick End, as noisy as they were last season, so they must have come expecting something, but what they did get wasn?t in the script at all. For our part, what we got was a thoroughly professional performance from the lads, a job well done. My God, that offside trap; just how many times did the Mancs get suckered into that one? Six? Seven? More? - and two superbly-taken goals, one an absolute belter from Hass, on the volley from the edge of the box, with a hefty ?assist? from Hulse , who was ?flicker-on in chief? and only 8 minutes gone, as well. The other? A nifty little headed slip-in from Dobes about a minute after he came into the fray, ten minutes into the second sitting, and the cross coming courtesy of an awesomely-effervescent Clem.

Mind you, United started in the best fashion for us, and the worst for them ? they tried to come at us, and very quickly, were treated to a hefty dose of their own medicine, as we took the game to them instead. And, they were making some very elementary mistakes, which, I suppose, was indicative of the fact this side rarely had the chance to play together competitively. With only three minutes or so gone, United were caught offside; the first of many occasions where this happened. And, not long after that, came the goal, in the fashion previously described. As the players trotted back to the centre circle for the restart, I bawled to ?Im Indoors, ?Let?s hope we can keep the lead for more than 20 seconds, this time!? That, of course, was a reference to the corresponding Premiership fixture last term, when we?d taken an early lead, and it took the genius of David Beckham only that number of seconds to restore parity once more!

But, that was then and this was now. The Mancs most certainly didn?t ?like it up ?em? even if we did, and we had to be somewhat wary of their ?dying swan? type tactics, something to which the ref seemed peculiarly vulnerable at times, but despite that, our defence kept them out with ease. In fact, we could and should have doubled our lead. With around 20 minutes gone, Jason embarked upon one of his usual incursions into the box, the right side on this occasion. Enter into the fray Danny Pugh, who upended our tame Scouser in no uncertain fashion, which prompted the ref, Jeff Winter, to immediately point to the spot. May camels of good fortune forever sleep in your garden for seeing that one, Jeff ? so why the hell were you so blind to similar indignities perpetrated upon us by various opposing players last season? Sorry, but I really had to get that one in. Up stepped the man of the moment ? Our Jase ? to right the wrong, and had Hughsie, say, been on the pitch and placing the ball on the spot, I would have had no qualms whatsoever about it, but he wasn?t, it was left to Jase to convert instead, and for me to chew my nails to a stump through sheer nervous tension. The result? A tamely-hit shot caught with ease by their keeper. Bugger. I could only hope that our little faux pas wouldn?t cost us in the long run.

The miss seemed to give United extra impetus, and suddenly, we had to go more on the back-pedal; fortunately for us, that offside trap of ours functioned perfectly, and I was still finding it hard to believe the visitors were getting suckered by this time and time again. My main worry, of course, was that this carefully-drilled manoeuvre would fall down in its execution at some stage or another and we?d be dead meat for their forwards, but it simply didn?t happen. Lucky, or simply well-organised? You tell me.

Come the interval, an interesting interlude. First off were the announcements concerning Clare Astle?s birthday, both on the big TV screen and via DJ Matthew ? Laraine had tipped me the wink the other night about this happening - the next was the appearance of four notable ex-Albion players on the pitch to present the winners of the draw with their cheque, and for the record, they were Asa Hartford, Gary Owen, Cyrille Regis, and, unbelievably, as I had only recently wondered as to his whereabouts, Jimmy Cumbes, our former keeper-cum-cricketer, cum just about everything you might care to mention! Blimey! The other event of note was a proposal of marriage, much to the delight of the crowd and great cries, predictably enough, of, ?You don?t know what you?re doing!? from both ends of the stadium. Did the man get his girl, finally? Buggered if I know, but it was fun while it lasted.

Back to the real action once more, with our lot once more on the back-pedal, and relying on the break to take then to the other end as and when they could. With only a few minutes gone of that half, Deech could have made it two when his header hit the woodwork instead of the back of the net ? but, never mind. Mind you, not long after that, Houlty was called upon to earn his corn, when he turned a stinger of a shot by Kleiberson around the post for the corner ? and glad to get that, I would have thought. Luckily, the threat was removed when the resultant set-piece was cleared somewhat unceremoniously by the dynamo-like AJ.

Throughout, Rob Hulse had looked somewhat sluggish and fatigued, and it didn?t come as much of a surprise to me about ten minutes into the play, when he was taken off, and Dobes given the job instead. And what a comeback from injury for our Scottish international; within around a minute of entering the fray, he?d made it a boingingly-simple 2-0, courtesy of a Clem cross ? and from that moment, the lad was on fire! Talk about a confidence-injection. Suddenly, United woke up and smelt the coffee ? or could it have been Fergie?s hairdryer, I wonder? Whatever the catalyst, we then had to endure a fraught few minutes, with Darren Fletcher coming close with a header that just scraped over the bar. About five minutes later, it was Bellion?s turn to stuff up; this time Houlty absorbed the shot with ease.

Not long after that, we had a let-off which left me seriously wondering whether someone up there had ordained this was going to be Albion?s year! What happened was that Ronaldo unleashed one from the right, and Houlty had to be at his talented best to see the danger, and then see it off, and not long after that, Kleberson saw one go narrowly go over the crossbar. Time for another substitution, then; this time, off went Jason Koumas, and on came Adam Chambo. At first, we were somewhat dismayed by the change, but then we remembered that the normal business of the League resumed itself at the weekend, and we needed a hale and hearty Jase versus West Ham! On the face of it, a very sensible decision indeed.

The final 15 minutes was spent in doggedly hanging onto what we had. United tried attacking in waves, but our rearguard held firm, as did our offside trap! And, as the final minutes ebbed away, our supporters became cheekier with their chants. Up for a reprise, of course, was that newly-minted favourite of last Saturday?s successful trip to Nottingham, ?Top of the League, we?re having a laugh!?; when United?s efforts became increasingly impotent, the chant was changed, once more, to: ?Top of the League, we?re taking the p***!?and reinforced the message by cheering loudly every time an Albion player passed the ball to another! Somehow, I don?t think the arrogant lot on the away end were best pleased by the antics of the Nationwide upstarts, but fair play to them, they kept up a non-stop performance of the many songs in their repertoire, which was only to be expected after the brilliant choral display they laid on for our delectation last season.

There was just time for a heavy-duty?Boing? that stretched all around the ground, and then it was all over. Brilliant, bloody brilliant, and we were in the last eight for the first time in absolute yonks. Players I simply have to single out for praise? Well, for a start, there was Danny Dichio, who once more, played out of his skin. Some of those flick-ons, some of the more mundane holding up of the ball stuff around the box, was perfection personified. Dobes? After that goal there was no stopping him. AJ? Like a mini (and very hairy!) tornado, out there. Praise to Bernt Hass for that cracker early doors ? I guess that atones for some of those awful misses recently? ? and also to Gaardsoe for once more doing the simple things really well. Houlty? Although he was less busy than at the Newcastle game, he still played his part with some timely stops, thereby keeping United out and us most certainly in. The next round, that is.

My verdict? There wasn?t the sheer passion, the unbridled emotion, ?let?s show ?em? atmosphere there had been at St James?s Park ? in fact, I considered tonight?s ambience somewhat subdued overall ? but its a Cup- win in the finest tradition of The King, Bomber Brown and all, and for that reason alone, I?ll take it with both hands. But let?s not get carried away, folkies. Saturday sees us involved in what could be the game that ensures we finally manage to get some distance between us and the rest of the chasing pack. That?s the real reason why Jason was taken off, I reckon. We must keep our sights on upwards-mobility come the end of the season; wins such as tonight?s are the icing and cherry put on the top of the cake for decoration, but only some hard slog in the kitchen will ensure we finally bring home the baking when spring comes to these parts next year.

And finally?. As promised, the jolly jape perpetrated on one of the gold-and-cack persuasion last night. I?ve had to promise anonymity for my source, but basically, what happened was, my mate had a work colleague, a security guard, who was one of ?them?. Come the start of his shift, late last night, a certain ?someone? ? no names, no pack drill! ? had left a notice on the staff entrance for all to see ? with special reference to ?Chummy The Dingle?! According to my source, when he read his billet-doux, he went off like Vesuvius on ?uppers? which brought mocking laughter all round ? but what did this note actually say, you might wonder? OK, I?ll tell you ? but remember, all this took place in a large retail store! It said:

SPECIAL OFFER TO DINGLES SUPPORTERS.

CARLING SPECIAL RESERVE.

BUY 5, GET ONE FREE!

Needless to say, the perpetrator kept a very low profile for the rest of the night!

 - Glynis Wright

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