The Diary

03 November 2003: Just Spell-Checking, Anc!

Anc? Are you there, mate? Oh, good. I want a word or three with you, and I don?t want to discuss Nigerian crop-rotation, either. For several nights in succession, now, our PC has completely thrown its electronic dolly out of its pram when dealing with my words, and there can only one person to blame for this sudden capricious cyber-behaviour. You! How come? Well, remember last Halloween, when you conjured up all those spells of mine in a futile attempt to keep us in the Prem? It?s no coincidence that my current bout of trouble started exactly a year to the day since you first danced around the bubbling cauldron and primed Old Nick with instructions to secure the demise of our relegation rivals, is it?

I said then your spells had gone distinctly awry, and were targeting the wrong persons. Remember our interview with Mike O?Leary, and the Strange Affair Of The Backwards-Running Tape? And, what?s more, although I actually did manage to push a column out last night, when I returned to this website before retiring at around two in the morning, to check things had gone according to plan, I then discovered that my piece had appeared OK, but the first half of yesterday?s game had gone completely AWOL from its innards! No, I don?t know how that happened either, and in theory, it shouldn?t; very annoyed by that stage, I checked the original gubbins that went on the site?s admin bit in the first place, and it was all there, in situ, just like a suppository in a very narrow body orifice. The problem must have occurred ?twixt the short space of time it flitted from A (my PC and the site admin) to B (the actual site).

Suddenly realising I?d have to repeat the transfer all over again, the air turned absolutely blue; even the most battle-hardened sergeant-major would have headed for the safety of the nearest concrete bunker had they heard that lot. Anyway, once I?d finally calmed down, I then tried to retrieve the original from the hard-drive again ? only to find some had disappeared once more! No worries, back to my back-up floppy disk, which proved to be in pristine condition, fortunately. The next task was to delete the truncated article from the site, then replace it with the full version ? then ensure the transfer had gone according to plan by checking what actually appeared on the site. By the time I?d dealt with all that, it was getting on for three in the morning, and my temper was absolutely foul. Even my four cats, normally accustomed to the capriciousness of my moods, gave me a wide berth! As I write this, I?m crossing everything in sight to ensure I finally get an early night, for once. ?Im Indoors did something called ?de-fragging? to the bloody thing today (a procedure which conjured up for me images of nervous squaddies in Vietnam stealthily removing explosive ordnance from their unhinged colleagues!), and he tells me that should do the trick. Anc, be warned; if your pet demons ever feel minded to poke their gnarled and stinky little fingers into my apparatus again, I shall hit you with the supernatural equivalent of a neutron bomb!

Enough of the occult, and back to things Albion (ish) once more. I was somewhat late catching up on today?s match reports, as ?Im Indoors had agreed to take his mum ? it?s her birthday - and her beloved out for Sunday lunch. Instead of burying our noses in the Sunday papers, we spent a very pleasant couple of hours in Worcestershire hostelry noshing roast pork with all the trimmings, plus a gut-busting dessert by way of a finale. An ulterior motive lurked within, though; about the same time our PC began acting in a strange manner, two of our light-fittings also decided to give up the ghost ? and mother-in-law?s ?significant other? is, amongst other things, an electrician. Suffice to say, we now have sufficient light to read by, and within a matter of days, the other errant socket will be cured also. Finally settling down to read the sports pages, I was somewhat intrigued to read that we were supposed to be after Luke Rogers, of Shrewsbury Town, and a striker by trade. Perhaps I?d better rephrase that sentence: ?somewhat disturbed? would better describe my train of thought at that time. The problem I have with him getting to wear the stripes is that he?s one extremely bad hat of a player, both on and off the pitch. Some of you might recall his recent conviction for throwing a firework at someone; is that really the sort of player we want to see at our club? Not only that, his disciplinary record isn?t all that great; this bloke collects red and yellow cards like I collect second-hand books. If we were to sign him, how much actual benefit would we derive from his services?

Mention of legal proceedings now brings me to another talking-point surrounding yesterday?s game, and that?s the disgraceful conduct of Sunderland?s Darren Williams in deliberately kicking that ball into the crowd. I only discovered today that the unlucky person on the receiving end was a small child, and she?d been taken to hospital afterwards for treatment for concussion. Of course, being pelted with stray match-balls is a well-known hazard for spectators ? a similar thing happened before our pre-season game against Plymouth, not to mention Bromsgrove, plus (one for Ardiles fans, this one), David Speedie?s, at Stoke ? but what happened yesterday might well make Albion consider putting up nets behind both goals to prevent future injury, accidental or otherwise. Lots of Premiership clubs do it, pre-kick-off, so why not us?

There is another legal issue to consider as well, and that?s the likelihood of the plods pressing charges. As I understand it, they?ve now asked to see Albion?s footage of the game with a view towards gathering evidence for a possible criminal prosecution. The whole thing will hinge upon whether it can be shown that Williams was reckless in doing what he did. There is another factor to consider, though; what physical injuries that child actually sustained as a result of his actions. The media just mentions ?concussion?, but if, say, the child lost teeth, or fractured her jaw, then that might put any possible charge into the realms of grievous bodily harm, as opposed to actual bodily harm (a lesser charge). If the former can be proven beyond reasonable doubt, then Williams is in big lumber. That sort of thing can quite easily be a sending-down matter, and it wouldn?t do his career any good whatsoever. Because of recent well-publicised incidents concerning footballers, if he were to be found guilty, I suspect that any magistrate (or judge, if tried at Crown Court) would be likely to take a very dim view indeed of such matters. If a criminal prosecution failed, it could be the child?s parents might then seek redress through the civil courts instead: the ?burden of proof? is considerably less. I wonder how good he is at sewing mailbags?

On, then, to a few more vagrant thoughts about yesterday?s game. Houlty? Brilliant, but damned with faint praise by the Sunday paper that gave him only seven miserable marks for that superb performance between the sticks. Gaardsoe? A genius; his actions were a significant factor in keeping us in with a chance of a point. I?m still totally baffled, though, as to why it was deemed necessary to chuck Clem up front towards the end. Anyone care to enlighten me? Sure, our leader reckoned Neil had experience of playing in that position at the start of his career, and our other strikers were knackered after Newcastle, but to my mind, there were people currently on that pitch who could have done the job equally well, if not better. Sakiri, perhaps? With him firing the bullets in tandem with Dobes, Clem could have gone on the left, and Scouse Jase on the right; at least it would have looked less like an extract from something out of Monty Python?s Flying Circus. Mind you, anyone care to remember why we were forced into this situation in the first place? An apple for that man; we currently have two established strikers out on loan, and my gut feeling is it?s a case of two miscreants, not one, upsetting the equilibrium of The Great Brain, and getting ostracised for their pains. The problem we now have is that with Hughsie likely to be out for a while as well, we?re now down to two. Fingers (and everything!) crossed at Upton Park next weekend?

There is one obvious solution, of course, but Hell is more likely to freeze over first. So, assuming our leader won?t eat humble pie, what are the chances of looking closer to home for first-team reinforcement, and by that I mean our very own Simon Brown? Sure, he?s currently in the reserves, but, don?t forget, the blessed Ronnie Wallwork (may hordes of camels forever feast at his oasis) was given the nod on the basis of his reserve team performances, so why not the youngster? After all, despite having two different partners at Seal Park, he did manage to put two past their blubbery keeper the other night! What?s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, wouldn?t you say? Yeah, I know, get real, but one way or another, if Hughsie takes longer to recover than anticipated, or yet another striker is crocked, we?re going to need a first-team ready goalscorer, and quick. Mind you, if putting Clem up there is the way his mind works, who?s next for the pierhead-jump, I wonder?

And finally?? Tomorrow, we journey to Aggborough, home of Kiddy Harriers, to see our stiffs take on The Dingles, nominally at home, kick-off 7 pm. The good news? At least their noisome riff-raff won?t be despoiling our place. The even better news? They?ll have that well-known mobile lump of lard, Gazza, in their ranks, which should be good for a laugh, if nothing else. Truly, he and Wolves both deserve each other? The last time I saw that gentleman live on the field of play was when Albion played Middlesbrough at our place, a few seasons back. As I recall, Sean Flynn did a damn good job of completely snuffing him out, a state of affairs that made the man-mountain mad, very mad indeed. So mad, he managed to extract his revenge on our former sprout-grower with some sly off-the-ball skulduggery towards the end of the game. Don?t worry; I?ll let you all know what happened in tomorrow?s offering ? provided my floppy and hard disks don?t simultaneously choose to go down the gurgle this time!

 - Glynis Wright

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